End of the Journey

One month later, I've made a decision about the new label...I really like it.

"Genderless, presenting as female out of habit" works great for me. It's allowed me to be at ease with whatever presentation I choose. It's eliminated the pigeon holes I was trying to fit myself into. And I feel like I can play with my presentation - maybe I want to wear purple nail polish with that boyish jeans-and-double-sleeve-shirt outfit.

So I feel like I've reached the end of my gender journey, or at least come to enough of an end that I can wrap up this blog. I'm sure the journey will never *really* end, but I'm comfortable with where I am now and don't feel like I have to keep seeking answers.

You can follow me on Tumblr (please forgive me if my page looks noobish, I'm still trying to get it figured out!).

I want to thank the people who have come along for the ride by reading my irregular worries and frustrations and joys. I don't know who most of you are, but thank you for hearing me out.

Self-talk

For all of the positive changes I've been through, hard though they might have been at times, there's still one thing I need to work through. And it's the hardest, most entrenched, and most debilitating one of all.

My negative self talk.

Most of the time, I don't hear it because I'm too busy doing other things, and I've learned to shut it out. But a few things have happened in the last few days (long story, I won't get into it) that have brought it back into my consciousness.

Mostly I think of myself as dumb, slow, and dim-witted. I try to tell jokes and they come out all wrong. I try to do an impression of someone, and it's not right. I pick up on a game like Bejeweled, and I just *know* there are a hundred really good moves that I've totally overlooked. I post something on Twitter or Facebook, and as soon as it's up, I decide it sounds stupid and I was stupid for saying it. I make a small mistake at work, and suddenly I'm afraid of losing my job because to me, it was a way bigger screw-up than it really was. Hard as I try, I don't take criticism well because no matter how constructive it is, in my head I'm telling myself, "Gads, you loser, you effed up AGAIN!"

I know I do it. I know I can stop doing it, or at least make it hurt less. I know the things to remind myself are good about me, or at least the things I like about myself. Most of the time, it works. But every now and again, the pity party goes into full swing, and I'm crying and beating myself up simply because of something I think I should be and I'm not.

Doing it backward?

Eesh, two months since my last post? Sorry for the long hiatus. I've just moved, and that took up most of my attention during that time.

Kind of struggling to figure out where to start to talk about what's currently going through my head gender-wise. I've been feeling frustrated over how my presentation didn't seem to match how I felt inside. I've been driving myself crazy over how I've gone back to wearing skirts every day, after having begun wearing trousers or jeans more often. Plus, I'm still frustrated over not being able to give a name to my identity. I'm not trying to force myself to fit a label - I'm trying to find a label that fits who I am.

A few days ago, Paige from I Bigender posted her first video blog. The topic was "Should I Transition?" and her answer was a clear and resounding, 'Yes! Do it now!" That got me thinking, why am I not opening up about my gender journey?

But that took me right back to, "But what does transitioning look like for me?" Like I've said before, there's a lot about me that isn't what society would consider feminine. I still dress very feminine most of the time - I still prefer long skirts over trousers because they're easier to wear and more comfortable. But for the most part, I'm not really a girly girl.

Today, I looked up "androgyny" on YouTube, to see what it looks like to other people who identify as androgynous. I found a couple of videos which were interesting, but not especially helpful to me. But "androgyny" led to "genderless," which led to "genderqueer," and "gender fluid," and now I was finding videos that really spoke to me. I'll post links at the end of this entry.

The last video I watched was by TheSLOfox, and it's entitled "Genderfluid + Self-acceptance vs. self-improvement." In it, she talks about accepting herself for who she is, instead of trying to make herself something she's not.

That really hit home for me and made me realize: maybe I've been trying to turn myself into something I think I should be, instead of letting myself be who I am. Maybe the transition that I've been desperately trying to define, has already happened. Maybe what I am is "genderless, sometimes presenting as male, sometimes presenting as female." Maybe, just maybe, the transition came before I realized I was transitioning, or even before I knew I wanted to transition.

Anyway, I have to let this new idea rattle around in my head for a while. If I don't post again before the end of the year, I hope everyone has a safe and wonderful holiday season!

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Videos that I found helpful:

I Bigender Vid Blog 1 - Should I transition? by jargoabendroth

I'm Genderqueer/Genderfluid/Androgynous! by WyldFire777

Genderless by queerbtw

GQC - Advice for new Genderqueer's by GenderqueerChat

"Genderfluid" + Self-acceptance vs. self-improvement by TheSLOfox

Presentation

I've been thinking about clothes a lot lately. For a while, I kind of scolded myself, saying that my level of fixation on clothing was too girly. But then I realized that it had to do with presentation - what I'm wearing tells the world a lot about me.

Here's what's going on: Two years ago at my office, there were two openly gay VP's and at least one gender-variant manager (I'm 99% sure she was lesbian, but I don't know if she was out). Now, all three of them have retired, and I'm not aware of any other gender-variant people in our roughly 600 person office. (That's not to say there aren't any at all, I'm just not aware of any.)

So I've been thinking: Maybe it's time for me to let myself show my gender-vibrance at work.

Then again, how do I do that? I mean, even before I identified as androgyne, I wasn't really very feminine. I haven't worn makeup or carried a purse in twenty years, and I've never owned a pair of heels or cute strappy sandals. But I have coworkers who don't do any of that stuff, either, and they're quite feminine. My body shape clearly marks me as female - at my size, there's no hiding that. And my penchant for wearing gypsy skirts marks me as female, even if I wear them more because they're easy and comfortable than because they're pretty.

I did wear trousers to work today (first time in three years). I couldn't stand the idea of wearing a skirt, so I wore khaki trousers, a blue T-shirt, and boat shoes. I'll be doing that more often . It felt really good not to be marking myself so clearly as female. Most people around the office know me, or at least have seen me around, so I seriously doubt I could pass for male even if I tried. But it was nice to be closer to the middle of the spectrum.

Maybe gender-vibrance means trousers and no makeup one day, then a dress and makeup the next. I don't know. Guess I'll figure it out. I would like to use my neutral name, Hadley, but for now that remains an online thing. And that's okay. I'll get a chance someday. :-)

For some odd reason, it crossed my mind today to come out to my mother and father. But I can only imagine how that would go. Mom would have a nervous breakdown, and Dad would somehow manage to find a stack of articles for me about why being gender-variant is "bad," especially for my son. Yeah...no thanks.

Anyway, off to bed with me. Thanks for stopping by!

Cheers,
Hadley

A Good Evening

Today was the open house at the school, and one of the teachers had passed out a paper that parents were supposed to return to her, so I was kind of obligated to go. It's all good, I got to meet all the teachers and see the classrooms, and that was neat.

As I was getting ready to go, suddenly the idea of wearing a skirt absolutely repulsed me. I've been living in long gypsy skirts all summer, because they're more comfortable than trousers in the heat. I own two pairs of trousers, but the jeans are a little too small, and I'd ordered the khakis through the mail and hadn't tried them on yet. Turns out the khakis fit just fine, so I wore them with a button-down blue shirt. Fairly gender-neutral fare. It felt SO good to present as more androgynous than female. I could tell the difference in how I greeted the teachers, too - I was more confident than usual and made eye contact more easily.

I recently watched a great video by BrinConvenient, explaining how she experiences gender switches. (Fair warning: Brin's videos tend to run long, but it's all very intelligent and thoughtful.) In essence, she describes the switches as changes in which gender presentation feels the most comfortable and the least like putting on a show. I guess I would say I have the same experience. Makes it awkward when I'm in girl garb and I suddenly want to be holding doors and elevators for other women! *laughing*

Anywho, it was a good evening, and I thought I'd share. :-)

A New Life

Got my laptop...got my tea (somehow, a cup of Earl Gray is a must when I'm blogging!)...it's nice and quiet...here we go.

I guess the biggest development since last time is the new round of "stuff" purging. I'm getting into some of the stuff that has sentimental or "coolness" value, or at least it did in the recent past. Pokemon cards, toys, books, furniture...I'm cutting deeper into what I have and shedding items that I've been reluctant to let go of.

The more stuff I let go of, the more of my old life goes with it. This evening, I was looking at photos of friends that I downloaded from Facebook. I had another FB account before, with connections to people I've known since I was a small child. Today, it was weird looking at the pictures of them. They represented a life that I've been working to move on from, and I realized today just how far I've come. I'm becoming really okay with who I am and how I've chosen to live my life. I still feel like I have to put on a bit of a show for my family, but I really only see them on birthdays, at Thanksgiving, and for Christmas. That's seven days out of the year. I can handle that. :-)

I'm still working to define myself as far as gender. The best I've come up with at this point is "genderfluid panamorous asexual." Maybe that's redundant, I don't know. I do feel the need to separate the emotional attraction from the physical, because while I am still attracted to people from all over the gender spectrum, I'm not interested in being intimate with anyone (although I'm not completely closed to the idea).

I had more to say, but it's well past midnight and my sleepy brain has forgotten what it was. Oh well, it will be the seed for another entry.

A Bit Off Topic

I came across this story and poem on Google+ and couldn't help but pass it on. I worked in a retirement home when I was in high school, and I ADORED the people living there. Elderly people are living history books and treasure troves of wisdom, and some of my best high school memories are from sitting in the lobby of the retirement home and talking with the residents.

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When an old man died in the geriatric ward of a nursing home in an Australian country town, it was believed that he had nothing left of any value.
Later, when the nurses were going through his meager possessions, They found this poem. Its quality and content so impressed the staff that copies were made and distributed to every nurse in the hospital.

One nurse took her copy to Melbourne. The old man's sole bequest to posterity has since appeared in the Christmas editions of magazines around the country and appearing in mags for Mental Health. A slide presentation has also been made based on his simple, but eloquent, poem.

And this old man, with nothing left to give to the world, is now the author of this 'anonymous' poem winging across the Internet.

Cranky Old Man

What do you see nurses? . . .. . .What do you see?
What are you thinking .. . when you're looking at me?
A cranky old man, . . . . . .not very wise,
Uncertain of habit .. . . . . . . .. with faraway eyes?
Who dribbles his food .. . ... . . and makes no reply.
When you say in a loud voice . .'I do wish you'd try!'
Who seems not to notice . . .the things that you do.
And forever is losing . . . . . .. . . A sock or shoe?
Who, resisting or not . . . ... lets you do as you will,
With bathing and feeding . . . .The long day to fill?
Is that what you're thinking?. .Is that what you see?
Then open your eyes, nurse .you're not looking at me.
I'll tell you who I am . . . . .. As I sit here so still,
As I do at your bidding, .. . . . as I eat at your will.
I'm a small child of Ten . .with a father and mother,
Brothers and sisters .. . . .. . who love one another
A young boy of Sixteen . . . .. with wings on his feet
Dreaming that soon now . . .. . . a lover he'll meet.
A groom soon at Twenty . . . ..my heart gives a leap.
Remembering, the vows .. .. .that I promised to keep.
At Twenty-Five, now . . . . .I have young of my own.
Who need me to guide . . . And a secure happy home.
A man of Thirty . .. . . . . My young now grown fast,
Bound to each other . . .. With ties that should last.
At Forty, my young sons .. .have grown and are gone,
But my woman is beside me . . to see I don't mourn.
At Fifty, once more, .. ...Babies play 'round my knee,
Again, we know children . . . . My loved one and me.
Dark days are upon me . . . . My wife is now dead.
I look at the future ... . . . . I shudder with dread.
For my young are all rearing .. . . young of their own.
And I think of the years . . . And the love that I've known.
I'm now an old man . . . . . . .. and nature is cruel.
It's jest to make old age . . . . . . . look like a fool.
The body, it crumbles .. .. . grace and vigour, depart.
There is now a stone . . . where I once had a heart.
But inside this old carcass . A young man still dwells,
And now and again . . . . . my battered heart swells
I remember the joys . . . . .. . I remember the pain.
And I'm loving and living . . . . . . . life over again.
I think of the years, all too few . . .. gone too fast.
And accept the stark fact . . . that nothing can last.
So open your eyes, people .. . . . .. . . open and see.
Not a cranky old man .
Look closer . . . . see .. .. . .. .... . ME!!

Remember this poem when you next meet an older person who you might brush aside without looking at the young soul within. We will all, one day, be there, too!