Spring Fever

Spring is on its way, and I always get a surge of energy and motivation at this time of year. This year is no different.

What *is* different this year is how much of my old "baggage" I've cleared out of my life, both physically and mentally. I've cleared out a LOT of old stuff out of my closets and cabinets, and along with them, the negative energies attached to them from my difficult childhood. This has freed me mentally to be more of the person I really am, instead of being who I think the people around me want me to be. I even finally have the relationships with my parents that I want to have (in other words, I don't have much contact with either of them).

With all of this positive change, though, has come a lot of frustration. For all of the work I've done so far to clear out my apartment and my life, I have a lot left to do. Some of it is everyday stuff that just builds up (I'm not a very good housekeeper). But some of it is bigger stuff, special projects, or tasks that have been piling up for so long that they seem nearly impossible at this point. Eh, one thing at a time, I suppose...and at least I'm starting to take these projects on.

So for now, I'm bubbling over with enthusiasm for tackling the projects, both big and small, and as each one gets done, more of my life will be organized and purged of old, unnecessary stuff, leaving space for me to be the "real me" that I've been discovering over the last year.

I have SO much more that I could say, but I'll post again soon with some other specific topics. All for now, talk to you again soon!

Blogging about blogging

At the end of my lunch break today, I wrote about my break in a fair amount of detail. It had been a frustrating one, between not finding anything good to eat to not being able to find somewhere quiet to sit, and all the while being grumpy because I was hungry and also, it's *that* time of month.  I had intended to post it on my blog. But I didn't, because that wasn't all there was to the day, and most of the day was much better.

I know my posts are becoming longer. I feel like they're flowing more naturally from mind to keyboard. I hope they're not becoming boring! As I clean out the clutter from my apartment - and by extension, from my mind - I'm finding more to write about.

I used to use writing as a form of therapy when I was in my teens. Those were troubled years for me, and I felt like I had no one to talk to except my pen and paper. I guess I'm kind of doing the same thing here, with my blog. It's a way of working through what's going on in my head. I wouldn't consider myself troubled now; in fact, I'm quite happy with how my life has turned out, and as I work through my gender identity issues/questions, it just keeps getting better.

I've also become more of a reader than I have been in the last...well, number of years, and I've subscribed to a number of blogs through Google Reader. The topics vary from gender transitions, to photography, to Second Life fashion, to minimalism. I do enjoy keeping up on what others are doing and writing about, it was just such a chore until I figured out how to use Reader. Now I get all my new reading on one page, love it!

Sorry if this post doesn't make a lot of sense, it's past midnight and I need to get some sleep. Talk to you again soon!

Minimalism

Minimalism: More happiness with less stuff.

I couldn't really say when I started taking an interest in this lifestyle/mindset, but that short, simple definition of minimalism has proven to be so very true for me.

I think it started when we got an IKEA close to where I live. I remember my first visit there, and being enchanted with the simple lines of much of their furniture. From there...I really don't know how it took off from there, but the idea of happiness in simplicity really resounded with me.

Its first real appearance in my life came when I decided to remove my pierced earrings. To me, it was a way of simplifying my body - removing one thing I had to worry about. The idea spread like wildfire from there: next, to my closet, purging it of clothing I was never going to wear again. It has kept spreading - books, papers, DVDs, trinkets...you name it, I've gone through it and cleaned out what I don't use or love.

So what does this have to do with who I am, as a person and as an androgyne? Well, I did not have what I would call a "happy childhood." It was full of a lot of stress, frustration, hurt, and resentment. And a lot of the stuff I've been clinging to, stowed away in boxes in the backs of closets and shelves, represents or reminds me of those unhappy years.

I kept it for lots of reasons: a memory of a special person, not wanting to dishonor a gift given to me, or just because it had been around for ages and the thought of letting it go never crossed my mind. But these objects carry with them some of the negative energy of my life from the time I obtained them. All that energy has been sitting around my home, dragging me down and holding me back from being *me*.

Getting rid of the objects, and the energy attached to them, has been incredibly liberating. I've been feeling the "me" that I haven't been in years starting to come back. The tailor. The outdoorsperson. The reader. The writer. This will probably sound weird, but...I've missed myself. I've missed my creative side. I've missed being able to write freely instead of living with permanent writer's block. I've missed being happy to spend an afternoon constructing a piece of clothing. I've even found a part of me that I didn't know was there...who knew I actually *liked* keeping my apartment clean and tidy??

So as I sit curled up on the sofa, typing on my laptop with a cup of tea next to me (how many times have I dreamed of doing this without actually do it?), gazing at my second Subaru-Outback's-worth of stuff ready to head out the door, I am happier and more at peace than I have been in a long time.

If anyone is interested in the minimalist mindset of more happiness with less stuff, I recommend reading The Joy of Less, A Minimalist Living Guide by Francine Jay. The tone is casual, not preachy, overly intellectual, or bossy...like a conversation with a friend.

My posts are getting longer and longer, hope I'm not losing people! Thanks for sticking with me to the end of my ramblings. Talk to you again soon!

Clothes - figuring it out

I've been miserable with my wardrobe for a long, long time. I don't like shopping in the first place. I HATE going to the mall. And to complicate matters, I'm a member of what a friend calls "the plus-size sisterhood." This makes finding clothes that match my taste even harder, because a lot of plus-size clothes either have a lot of "foo-foo" like ruffles, lace, gathers, and that kind of nonsense, or they have big, bright, gad-awful floral prints. Ew, no thank you!!

In the past, I have remedied this problem by making my own clothes. It's much easier to find nice stuff for someone my size in a pattern book than it is on a clothing rack. So I have a number of basic patterns for button-down tops, knit tops, skirts, trousers, and accessories. I like sewing, but over the last several years, other things have demanded too much of my time.

I've reached the point where I have about eight outfits I can wear to work. Three of them are almost exactly the same: white button-up shirt over a tank top and a long, full, black skirt. The rest are knit tops, all the same style in a few different colors, with the same black skirt. Getting dressed in the morning has become depressing.

I love folding my son's laundry, because he has a whole bunch of wonderful thermal-knit shirts and double-sleeve shirts that I just adore. I've desperately wished I could find shirts like that for myself. But there are only a couple of places in town that sell clothing my size, and it's mostly that awful, flower-printed, frilly stuff.

A couple of days ago, on a lark, I decided to do a Google search for "plus size clothes." On the list of sites was OneStopPlus.com which has clothes from several retailers all on one site. The best part of it was, there was *very little* of the flowery/frilly stuff I was seeing at the mall. And, the prices were good. I was such a happy camper!!

As I was browsing, though, I looked longingly at boyish knit tops with sleeves that were a different color from the body of the shirt, and oversize button-down "boyfriend" shirts, and wishing I had something to wear with them. Then it hit me: I used to have a long, straight denim skirt that I made...that style of skirt would be *perfect* with these tops! (I'm not allowed to wear jeans to work - I find them uncomfortable anyway - that's why I'm thinking skirt instead of jeans.)

So, off to the fabric store I went that afternoon to pick up some fabric for a denim skirt. Now my mind is whirling with ideas for what I can do with the other patterns in my collection. I have a pattern for a plain knit top which I could use to make a two-tone shirt or even a double-sleeve shirt. I have a couple of tunic patterns for making oversize t-shirts. I imagine I could even find a pattern for a big, loose boyfriend shirt. And for times when I'm feeling more feminine, I have several nice dress patterns.

Who knew that what started as a hobby making doll clothes would turn into the answer to my bigender wardrobe problems?  ^-^

Who am I?

Long time, no write. I could launch into a thing about it being too hot to think and then school starting and then Halloween and then the eye strain...but the fact is, I've simply been lazy.

That is not to say, however, that the gears haven't been turning all this time. My data entry job gives me lots of time to think, and my thoughts turn frequently to the question, "Who am I?"

Over the last several months, something has been showing itself to be true: The more masculine I let myself be on the inside, the more feminine I become on the outside. I've even bought a hair straightening iron and considered digging my nail polish out of the back of the cabinet. I guess if I had to classify myself somehow, I'd call myself a guy happily trapped in a female body. I have come to think of myself as my own life-size dress-up doll - I want to be cute and pretty, but not for others...for myself. I know that sounds really narcissistic, but if I think of myself as cute, it's a big lift to my confidence.

I have concluded that I want top surgery. Ever since this whole journey began, the one thing that I have consistently had a problem with is my chest. In the beginning, that one part of my anatomy caused most of my gender dysphoria and aggravation. And even now, being well-endowed is more of a nuisance than anything else. As a single working parent, I have no idea when the money will be right and when I'll be able to get the time off of work, but top surgery is definitely something I'd like to do.

Coming out

This week's question on OutLateButGreat has to do with coming out:

1. Were there people who accepted you who you "knew" wouldn't? Why do you think that was so?
2. Were there people who didn't accept you who you thought would have no problem? Why do you think THAT was so.
3. Were women or men more accepting, or was it roughly the same mix?

I'm afraid I don't have much to add to this discussion. I am largely still in the closet. I've come out to some people on YouTube and on bigender.net, as well as whoever has read this blog (going by the traffic counts, that's not many *smiles*), and a few people on Second Life know that I'm bigender. But as far as coming out to the people around me offline, it hasn't happened.

I come from a small family - just my parents, my brother, and me. Everyone in my family has very definite ideas about how things should be, with varying degrees of being okay with it when something doesn't fit their ideals. I've always been the black sheep, the one who went against Mom and Dad's expectations. I've caused them enough trouble (and brought enough trouble on myself because of it) and I don't want to do it again unless there's a really solid reason.

My son has been the trickiest. I've been teaching him bit by bit about the gender spectrum by talking about some of the people I follow on YouTube.  He understands what MTF and FTM mean, what an androgyne is, what the difference is between gender and sex (I used the analogy of computer hardware being physical sex and operating systems being gender - not perfect, but he understands it because he's into computers. I should try SydneyTinker's pencil example instead, much more accurate). So he understands that androgyny and the gender spectrum are topics of interest to me. But I haven't told him the real reason why. Again, I haven't felt like there's been a reason to do so. And as he approaches the point in his life when he'll be figuring out his own sexuality, he'll have enough to work through without me adding my stuff to the mix.

So-o-o...in the closet I remain. It really doesn't interfere with my life. I don't feel like I'm hiding anything from my family. I'm just me, with my long hippy skirts and my Birks and my video games and my no makeup and my backpack instead of a purse. My family lets me be myself, and I really couldn't ask for more than that.

One of these days, I'll come out of my shell and post a vlog entry. I've always been a better writer than speaker, but I'm finally getting it that I don't have to be perfectly articulate to be a good vlogger. My YouTube channel is StarchildMagic (surprise surprise! haha). Until then, keep in touch here!

Gender dysphoria

I recently stumbled upon a video on YouTube by BigenderDragon asking about gender dysphoria. The question is: To what degree do/did you suffer from gender dysphoria, and what did you do to deal with it?

So far, I've done almost all of my gender identity exploring through the virtual world of Second Life. In Second Life, users create an avatar to represent themselves, and that avatar can be anything they want it to be.

I joined Second Life (SL) almost four years ago, and my first avatar was female, modeled after my real-life self. About six months after I created my first avatar, I got to wondering what it would be like to play as a male. So I created my first male avatar, and used both equally. It was when I first began using that male avatar that my gender dysphoria kicked in.

At first, it wasn't a big issue. I had days when I wanted to be female and days I wanted to be male, but it didn't really affect my life outside of SL. But the more I used my male avatar, the more I wanted to use him. Two years ago, I was using him exclusively. That was the point at which my dysphoria began affecting life outside of SL. I came to dislike - even hate - my own body. I began thinking of myself as a sissy if I cried. I was frequently angry, even to the point of wanting to hit someone or something.

Finally, I changed avatars again, this time to a new female (Starchild, for whom my blog account is named). It helped reduce the frustration and anger I was experiencing, and I deleted the male avatar. But that experience led me to start researching gender. I thought maybe I was meant to be a man - in spite of its negative effect on my life, playing a male felt very natural. But there are things about being female that I like, too, and I'm not willing to give up. I finally found the term "androgyne" and realized it fit perfectly.

Once I began using "androgyne" to describe myself, my dysphoria nearly vanished. My avatar is an androgyne, too: she has a feminine appearance, but her body is more like a man's (narrow hips and almost no breasts). I do have a new male avatar that I use from time to time, when I'm feeling more like a man, but the times I use him are becoming fewer and farther between. I can fairly say now that I'm not experiencing gender dysphoria anymore.

That seems like such an abrupt ending to the story, but that's where I am now. I'll keep writing as time goes on and as new experiences and/or issues come up. I'd love to hear feedback from anyone who's reading this, whether it's comments, questions, stories of your own.