Today was the open house at the school, and one of the teachers had passed out a paper that parents were supposed to return to her, so I was kind of obligated to go. It's all good, I got to meet all the teachers and see the classrooms, and that was neat.
As I was getting ready to go, suddenly the idea of wearing a skirt absolutely repulsed me. I've been living in long gypsy skirts all summer, because they're more comfortable than trousers in the heat. I own two pairs of trousers, but the jeans are a little too small, and I'd ordered the khakis through the mail and hadn't tried them on yet. Turns out the khakis fit just fine, so I wore them with a button-down blue shirt. Fairly gender-neutral fare. It felt SO good to present as more androgynous than female. I could tell the difference in how I greeted the teachers, too - I was more confident than usual and made eye contact more easily.
I recently watched a great video by BrinConvenient, explaining how she experiences gender switches. (Fair warning: Brin's videos tend to run long, but it's all very intelligent and thoughtful.) In essence, she describes the switches as changes in which gender presentation feels the most comfortable and the least like putting on a show. I guess I would say I have the same experience. Makes it awkward when I'm in girl garb and I suddenly want to be holding doors and elevators for other women! *laughing*
Anywho, it was a good evening, and I thought I'd share. :-)
Thursday, September 13, 2012
Friday, August 24, 2012
A New Life
Got my laptop...got my tea (somehow, a cup of Earl Gray is a must when I'm blogging!)...it's nice and quiet...here we go.
I guess the biggest development since last time is the new round of "stuff" purging. I'm getting into some of the stuff that has sentimental or "coolness" value, or at least it did in the recent past. Pokemon cards, toys, books, furniture...I'm cutting deeper into what I have and shedding items that I've been reluctant to let go of.
The more stuff I let go of, the more of my old life goes with it. This evening, I was looking at photos of friends that I downloaded from Facebook. I had another FB account before, with connections to people I've known since I was a small child. Today, it was weird looking at the pictures of them. They represented a life that I've been working to move on from, and I realized today just how far I've come. I'm becoming really okay with who I am and how I've chosen to live my life. I still feel like I have to put on a bit of a show for my family, but I really only see them on birthdays, at Thanksgiving, and for Christmas. That's seven days out of the year. I can handle that. :-)
I'm still working to define myself as far as gender. The best I've come up with at this point is "genderfluid panamorous asexual." Maybe that's redundant, I don't know. I do feel the need to separate the emotional attraction from the physical, because while I am still attracted to people from all over the gender spectrum, I'm not interested in being intimate with anyone (although I'm not completely closed to the idea).
I had more to say, but it's well past midnight and my sleepy brain has forgotten what it was. Oh well, it will be the seed for another entry.
I guess the biggest development since last time is the new round of "stuff" purging. I'm getting into some of the stuff that has sentimental or "coolness" value, or at least it did in the recent past. Pokemon cards, toys, books, furniture...I'm cutting deeper into what I have and shedding items that I've been reluctant to let go of.
The more stuff I let go of, the more of my old life goes with it. This evening, I was looking at photos of friends that I downloaded from Facebook. I had another FB account before, with connections to people I've known since I was a small child. Today, it was weird looking at the pictures of them. They represented a life that I've been working to move on from, and I realized today just how far I've come. I'm becoming really okay with who I am and how I've chosen to live my life. I still feel like I have to put on a bit of a show for my family, but I really only see them on birthdays, at Thanksgiving, and for Christmas. That's seven days out of the year. I can handle that. :-)
I'm still working to define myself as far as gender. The best I've come up with at this point is "genderfluid panamorous asexual." Maybe that's redundant, I don't know. I do feel the need to separate the emotional attraction from the physical, because while I am still attracted to people from all over the gender spectrum, I'm not interested in being intimate with anyone (although I'm not completely closed to the idea).
I had more to say, but it's well past midnight and my sleepy brain has forgotten what it was. Oh well, it will be the seed for another entry.
Wednesday, July 25, 2012
A Bit Off Topic
I came across this story and poem on Google+ and couldn't help but pass it on. I worked in a retirement home when I was in high school, and I ADORED the people living there. Elderly people are living history books and treasure troves of wisdom, and some of my best high school memories are from sitting in the lobby of the retirement home and talking with the residents.
--------------------------------
When an old man died in the geriatric ward of a nursing home in an Australian country town, it was believed that he had nothing left of any value.
Later, when the nurses were going through his meager possessions, They found this poem. Its quality and content so impressed the staff that copies were made and distributed to every nurse in the hospital.
One nurse took her copy to Melbourne. The old man's sole bequest to posterity has since appeared in the Christmas editions of magazines around the country and appearing in mags for Mental Health. A slide presentation has also been made based on his simple, but eloquent, poem.
And this old man, with nothing left to give to the world, is now the author of this 'anonymous' poem winging across the Internet.
Cranky Old Man
What do you see nurses? . . .. . .What do you see?
What are you thinking .. . when you're looking at me?
A cranky old man, . . . . . .not very wise,
Uncertain of habit .. . . . . . . .. with faraway eyes?
Who dribbles his food .. . ... . . and makes no reply.
When you say in a loud voice . .'I do wish you'd try!'
Who seems not to notice . . .the things that you do.
And forever is losing . . . . . .. . . A sock or shoe?
Who, resisting or not . . . ... lets you do as you will,
With bathing and feeding . . . .The long day to fill?
Is that what you're thinking?. .Is that what you see?
Then open your eyes, nurse .you're not looking at me.
I'll tell you who I am . . . . .. As I sit here so still,
As I do at your bidding, .. . . . as I eat at your will.
I'm a small child of Ten . .with a father and mother,
Brothers and sisters .. . . .. . who love one another
A young boy of Sixteen . . . .. with wings on his feet
Dreaming that soon now . . .. . . a lover he'll meet.
A groom soon at Twenty . . . ..my heart gives a leap.
Remembering, the vows .. .. .that I promised to keep.
At Twenty-Five, now . . . . .I have young of my own.
Who need me to guide . . . And a secure happy home.
A man of Thirty . .. . . . . My young now grown fast,
Bound to each other . . .. With ties that should last.
At Forty, my young sons .. .have grown and are gone,
But my woman is beside me . . to see I don't mourn.
At Fifty, once more, .. ...Babies play 'round my knee,
Again, we know children . . . . My loved one and me.
Dark days are upon me . . . . My wife is now dead.
I look at the future ... . . . . I shudder with dread.
For my young are all rearing .. . . young of their own.
And I think of the years . . . And the love that I've known.
I'm now an old man . . . . . . .. and nature is cruel.
It's jest to make old age . . . . . . . look like a fool.
The body, it crumbles .. .. . grace and vigour, depart.
There is now a stone . . . where I once had a heart.
But inside this old carcass . A young man still dwells,
And now and again . . . . . my battered heart swells
I remember the joys . . . . .. . I remember the pain.
And I'm loving and living . . . . . . . life over again.
I think of the years, all too few . . .. gone too fast.
And accept the stark fact . . . that nothing can last.
So open your eyes, people .. . . . .. . . open and see.
Not a cranky old man .
Look closer . . . . see .. .. . .. .... . ME!!
Remember this poem when you next meet an older person who you might brush aside without looking at the young soul within. We will all, one day, be there, too!
--------------------------------
When an old man died in the geriatric ward of a nursing home in an Australian country town, it was believed that he had nothing left of any value.
Later, when the nurses were going through his meager possessions, They found this poem. Its quality and content so impressed the staff that copies were made and distributed to every nurse in the hospital.
One nurse took her copy to Melbourne. The old man's sole bequest to posterity has since appeared in the Christmas editions of magazines around the country and appearing in mags for Mental Health. A slide presentation has also been made based on his simple, but eloquent, poem.
And this old man, with nothing left to give to the world, is now the author of this 'anonymous' poem winging across the Internet.
Cranky Old Man
What do you see nurses? . . .. . .What do you see?
What are you thinking .. . when you're looking at me?
A cranky old man, . . . . . .not very wise,
Uncertain of habit .. . . . . . . .. with faraway eyes?
Who dribbles his food .. . ... . . and makes no reply.
When you say in a loud voice . .'I do wish you'd try!'
Who seems not to notice . . .the things that you do.
And forever is losing . . . . . .. . . A sock or shoe?
Who, resisting or not . . . ... lets you do as you will,
With bathing and feeding . . . .The long day to fill?
Is that what you're thinking?. .Is that what you see?
Then open your eyes, nurse .you're not looking at me.
I'll tell you who I am . . . . .. As I sit here so still,
As I do at your bidding, .. . . . as I eat at your will.
I'm a small child of Ten . .with a father and mother,
Brothers and sisters .. . . .. . who love one another
A young boy of Sixteen . . . .. with wings on his feet
Dreaming that soon now . . .. . . a lover he'll meet.
A groom soon at Twenty . . . ..my heart gives a leap.
Remembering, the vows .. .. .that I promised to keep.
At Twenty-Five, now . . . . .I have young of my own.
Who need me to guide . . . And a secure happy home.
A man of Thirty . .. . . . . My young now grown fast,
Bound to each other . . .. With ties that should last.
At Forty, my young sons .. .have grown and are gone,
But my woman is beside me . . to see I don't mourn.
At Fifty, once more, .. ...Babies play 'round my knee,
Again, we know children . . . . My loved one and me.
Dark days are upon me . . . . My wife is now dead.
I look at the future ... . . . . I shudder with dread.
For my young are all rearing .. . . young of their own.
And I think of the years . . . And the love that I've known.
I'm now an old man . . . . . . .. and nature is cruel.
It's jest to make old age . . . . . . . look like a fool.
The body, it crumbles .. .. . grace and vigour, depart.
There is now a stone . . . where I once had a heart.
But inside this old carcass . A young man still dwells,
And now and again . . . . . my battered heart swells
I remember the joys . . . . .. . I remember the pain.
And I'm loving and living . . . . . . . life over again.
I think of the years, all too few . . .. gone too fast.
And accept the stark fact . . . that nothing can last.
So open your eyes, people .. . . . .. . . open and see.
Not a cranky old man .
Look closer . . . . see .. .. . .. .... . ME!!
Remember this poem when you next meet an older person who you might brush aside without looking at the young soul within. We will all, one day, be there, too!
Wednesday, July 4, 2012
Misgendering Myself
Finally settled into the summer vacation routine, gone on vacation and come back, and now, at long last, back here.
I ordered some clothes from OneStopPlus again - some t-shirts, some button-down shirts, and a pair of khaki cargo trousers. Gender-neutral stuff. Even though, on hot summer days, I find long skirts far more comfortable than trousers.
Each time I get a shipment, they send me loads of catalogs. Normally, I drop them straight into the recycle bin. But this last time, I got one for a company called Serengeti which intrigued me. In it was a lot of stuff like what I wore when I was in high school. Really neat hippy, import stuff.
A couple of examples:
Images courtesy of serengeticatalog.com
It is super-hard to find stuff like this in my size, so I was elated to see that it exists. I was ready to order five or six outfits. Then, I realized the irony. I had just opened a package of shirts *specifically chosen* because they were gender-neutral, and now I was going gaga over these very feminine items.
So...I'm trying to figure out how all of this fits with my gender-fluidity. Maybe I choose the clothes depending on my mood. Maybe the clothes help dictate how I feel and how I want to present. Maybe I'm still a ways off from really even trying to present as neutral, in spite of what I tell myself. Or maybe I don't really want to present as neutral at all.
If all of that sounds confusing, it's a sign of how muddled things are in my head.
I ordered some clothes from OneStopPlus again - some t-shirts, some button-down shirts, and a pair of khaki cargo trousers. Gender-neutral stuff. Even though, on hot summer days, I find long skirts far more comfortable than trousers.
Each time I get a shipment, they send me loads of catalogs. Normally, I drop them straight into the recycle bin. But this last time, I got one for a company called Serengeti which intrigued me. In it was a lot of stuff like what I wore when I was in high school. Really neat hippy, import stuff.
A couple of examples:
Images courtesy of serengeticatalog.com
It is super-hard to find stuff like this in my size, so I was elated to see that it exists. I was ready to order five or six outfits. Then, I realized the irony. I had just opened a package of shirts *specifically chosen* because they were gender-neutral, and now I was going gaga over these very feminine items.
So...I'm trying to figure out how all of this fits with my gender-fluidity. Maybe I choose the clothes depending on my mood. Maybe the clothes help dictate how I feel and how I want to present. Maybe I'm still a ways off from really even trying to present as neutral, in spite of what I tell myself. Or maybe I don't really want to present as neutral at all.
If all of that sounds confusing, it's a sign of how muddled things are in my head.
Sunday, June 10, 2012
Settling Down
This all may sound very silly, but I've realized that I'm more settled in to my own life and into myself than I've ever been.
For many years, I was always looking for change. New clothes. New furniture. New decorations. New places to live. I loved change. I needed it. I was chronically unhappy. I knew something had to change in my life, but I didn't know what it was.
When I joined Second Life, the changes were even easier to make. I was moving from one parcel of virtual land to another every other week. I went through more avatars than I could ever hope to count. I was buying new clothes, new houses, and new furniture all the time. Every time I got something new, I loved it, but in very short order I was unhappy again and wanted something else.
The other element of this was mess and clutter. My apartment was a disaster all the time. There were decorative knick-knacks everywhere, papers all over my desk, clothes piled on the chair, dirty dishes everywhere in the kitchen and living room, closets and cabinets stuffed to bursting...yeah, mess.
All of this began to change about six months ago. I finally had the relationship I wanted with my parents. I had cleared out a lot of my old *stuff* and therefore old parts of my life I needed to let go of to move forward. And most of all, I really began to sort out who I was and to be okay with it. Inside my head is less chaotic and messy, and that's taking form physically in my living space.
So as I stand and look around my tidy living room and tidy bedroom, I realize that I'm happier and more at peace than I've ever been before in my life. I'm so grateful for this, because much of my life has been incredibly stressful and painful.
I know I don't post much - I often go through times when I don't have anything to say, or else I don't feel like saying anything. Blogging has been a form of therapy for me, and apparently it's working. :-) If you'd like to keep in touch, you can find me on Twitter where I'm much more active.
For many years, I was always looking for change. New clothes. New furniture. New decorations. New places to live. I loved change. I needed it. I was chronically unhappy. I knew something had to change in my life, but I didn't know what it was.
When I joined Second Life, the changes were even easier to make. I was moving from one parcel of virtual land to another every other week. I went through more avatars than I could ever hope to count. I was buying new clothes, new houses, and new furniture all the time. Every time I got something new, I loved it, but in very short order I was unhappy again and wanted something else.
The other element of this was mess and clutter. My apartment was a disaster all the time. There were decorative knick-knacks everywhere, papers all over my desk, clothes piled on the chair, dirty dishes everywhere in the kitchen and living room, closets and cabinets stuffed to bursting...yeah, mess.
All of this began to change about six months ago. I finally had the relationship I wanted with my parents. I had cleared out a lot of my old *stuff* and therefore old parts of my life I needed to let go of to move forward. And most of all, I really began to sort out who I was and to be okay with it. Inside my head is less chaotic and messy, and that's taking form physically in my living space.
So as I stand and look around my tidy living room and tidy bedroom, I realize that I'm happier and more at peace than I've ever been before in my life. I'm so grateful for this, because much of my life has been incredibly stressful and painful.
I know I don't post much - I often go through times when I don't have anything to say, or else I don't feel like saying anything. Blogging has been a form of therapy for me, and apparently it's working. :-) If you'd like to keep in touch, you can find me on Twitter where I'm much more active.
Friday, May 18, 2012
Under the Rug
I'm really behind on the blogs that I follow, so I've been on genderfork.com and Google Reader trying to catch up. Now I'm stressed out, annoyed, angry...all kinds of unhappy about my own gender issues.
I'm still very much unsettled as far as where I am on the gender spectrum. "Genderfluid" describes me best, but a big part of me wants to be just *one thing*, choose one spot on the spectrum and stay there. And that's not how it works for me. I'm constantly shifting from one gender to another.
I'm not good with that kind of uncertainty. I prefer to know what something is, and to know that it's not going to change all the time. When something this important is this much in flux, it's very, very stressful for me.
Usually, I just try not to think about it. If I get my mind all wrapped up in whether I'm male, female, or genderless, I start obsessing over it to the point where I can't think about anything else and I'll get stuck.
Yeah...like now.
I'm still very much unsettled as far as where I am on the gender spectrum. "Genderfluid" describes me best, but a big part of me wants to be just *one thing*, choose one spot on the spectrum and stay there. And that's not how it works for me. I'm constantly shifting from one gender to another.
I'm not good with that kind of uncertainty. I prefer to know what something is, and to know that it's not going to change all the time. When something this important is this much in flux, it's very, very stressful for me.
Usually, I just try not to think about it. If I get my mind all wrapped up in whether I'm male, female, or genderless, I start obsessing over it to the point where I can't think about anything else and I'll get stuck.
Yeah...like now.
Tuesday, May 1, 2012
Workplace Diversity
I have one of those nine-to-five corporate jobs. The company I work for has offices all over the state. I work in the main office with about 600 other people. Even for someone like me, who really isn't cut out for corporate life, it's a great place to work. The general atmosphere is friendly and open. Upper management and executives are accessible to everyone, no matter what their position in the company. And we're taken care of very well with good pay, good benefits, and plenty of little "extras."
One topic the company has been focusing on this year is diversity. When this was announced, I thought, "Eh, well, isn't that nice. They're going to encourage us to pay attention to all the different ethnic backgrounds, work histories, and ages of our coworkers. Why not?"
Last week, the Communication and Design team published what they called the Diversity Tree. There was an article on the intranet about it, explaining what it all meant. I read it, and promptly forgot about it when I saw what was on the graphic itself.
The circles are my own emphasis. I know it's hard to read so I'll just say it: Listed among the elements of diversity are sexual orientation, gender identity, and gender expression. I was stunned, I was so happy!
I guess it helps that one of our vice presidents is openly homosexual. In fact, they retired recently, and their partner attended the party and was introduced to everyone present (some 250 people) as the VP's partner. I also know of others in management who are openly gender-variant.
I've long felt that, if there ever were a time when I felt like I wanted or needed to come out at work, it would be fairly safe to do so. My immediate supervisor is such an awesome person, and she's really open-minded, so I'd feel safe coming out to her. And now I know the people in upper management at least have it on their radar that there are non-binary people in the company.
Anywho...that's my amazing news from my employer! Talk to you again soon.
One topic the company has been focusing on this year is diversity. When this was announced, I thought, "Eh, well, isn't that nice. They're going to encourage us to pay attention to all the different ethnic backgrounds, work histories, and ages of our coworkers. Why not?"
Last week, the Communication and Design team published what they called the Diversity Tree. There was an article on the intranet about it, explaining what it all meant. I read it, and promptly forgot about it when I saw what was on the graphic itself.
The circles are my own emphasis. I know it's hard to read so I'll just say it: Listed among the elements of diversity are sexual orientation, gender identity, and gender expression. I was stunned, I was so happy!
I guess it helps that one of our vice presidents is openly homosexual. In fact, they retired recently, and their partner attended the party and was introduced to everyone present (some 250 people) as the VP's partner. I also know of others in management who are openly gender-variant.
I've long felt that, if there ever were a time when I felt like I wanted or needed to come out at work, it would be fairly safe to do so. My immediate supervisor is such an awesome person, and she's really open-minded, so I'd feel safe coming out to her. And now I know the people in upper management at least have it on their radar that there are non-binary people in the company.
Anywho...that's my amazing news from my employer! Talk to you again soon.
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