Long time, no write. I could launch into a thing about it being too hot to think and then school starting and then Halloween and then the eye strain...but the fact is, I've simply been lazy.
That is not to say, however, that the gears haven't been turning all this time. My data entry job gives me lots of time to think, and my thoughts turn frequently to the question, "Who am I?"
Over the last several months, something has been showing itself to be true: The more masculine I let myself be on the inside, the more feminine I become on the outside. I've even bought a hair straightening iron and considered digging my nail polish out of the back of the cabinet. I guess if I had to classify myself somehow, I'd call myself a guy happily trapped in a female body. I have come to think of myself as my own life-size dress-up doll - I want to be cute and pretty, but not for others...for myself. I know that sounds really narcissistic, but if I think of myself as cute, it's a big lift to my confidence.
I have concluded that I want top surgery. Ever since this whole journey began, the one thing that I have consistently had a problem with is my chest. In the beginning, that one part of my anatomy caused most of my gender dysphoria and aggravation. And even now, being well-endowed is more of a nuisance than anything else. As a single working parent, I have no idea when the money will be right and when I'll be able to get the time off of work, but top surgery is definitely something I'd like to do.
