Questioning

I wonder if this is something that all gender-variant people experience: questioning who they really are and where they truly lie on the gender spectrum.

In my last post, I talked about having a "girl mode" where I'm more feminine than...well, what has kind of become my new normal, and how this has been a new thing in the last couple of months.

I'm not sure if I just don't have the rhythm down in my head yet, or if it really has begun taking longer to push through it, but it seems that this month, my girl mode has stuck around longer than before. It used to last a day, maybe two at the most. Now, it seems to linger for at least a week.

What's different when I'm in girl mode? Okay, I guess I'm not really that different than any other time. But I've been looking for some new work clothes online, and what's been drawing me more than anything else is the pretty spring dresses. I still have that mad craving to dress up in a pretty dress, put on my wedge sandals and some nylons, do something fun with my hair, put on makeup and nail polish...in other words, get all dolled up. I don't have any special plan for what to *do* once I'm all pretty, I just want to be all pretty and feminine, just once.

Maybe that's the key: "just once." Maybe once I've done it, the craving will go away and I'll be left with some pretty spring dresses collecting dust in the back of the closet.

But this whole thing has me wondering if I'm *trying* to be an androgyne in the first place. Maybe I'm really all girl, and in order to be what I really am, I had to stop trying to be whatever it was I was trying to be before. Maybe this is all because my "guy side" knows that I'll probably never get to date a pretty woman, so it's trying to turn *me* into the pretty woman I'd like to date. Maybe I should find a new definition of what I am: genderfluid? genderqueer?

I like "genderfluid." It leaves a lot of room for me to define myself - as undefinable, go figure! - and doesn't try to put me in any kind of box. I know, "androgyne" really doesn't either, but to me it still has connotations. To me, "androgyne" means that the person between genders, equal parts male and female. I don't often experience that true in-between. Most of the time, I present as wholly female with some male tendencies. It may be mostly because long, elastic-waist skirts are far more comfortable than jeans, but whatever the reason, I wear those skirts every day - even on the weekends. Then again, I don't wear makeup, and I've stopped shaving my legs....

I don't know. I'm all confused. I hope it settles itself out in my head soon, because it's starting to drive me nuts.

Modes

I'm not really close with any androgyne communities around the web, but I'm following a few bigender and trans people on YouTube and Twitter. Several of the people I follow talk about female mode and male mode and have talked about what it's like to be in one or the other, or what it's like when to shift from one to the other. As someone who's not one or the other but some of both, I didn't really have modes. At least, not until recently.

The last couple of months, right at about the same time in my monthly cycle, I've found myself in what I've come to call "ultra female mode." Last month it was particularly strong. For two weeks, I desperately wanted to dress up in a pretty flowered dress, nylons, and wedges; put on makeup and nail polish; and fix up my hair somehow really nice. Normally, the only time I'll wear a dress is for a formal family event, and even then, I rarely wear makeup and NEVER wear nail polish. So...that craving was strange to me, and rather annoying.

This month, my ultra female mode wasn't quite so extreme. But it hit me when I was shopping for clothes online. I need clothes for work, and plain colored T-shirts, button-down shirts, and sweaters are fine for what I do. But I found myself drawn to the much more feminine items. I even went through the dress section *twice* and put a couple of items in my shopping bag (all the while being annoyed with myself for not having started the dresses I bought patterns and fabric for a few months ago).

I'm grateful that this "all girl" thing doesn't last long because, truth be told, it drives me batty. I tried for so long to be what my mother and others wanted me to be, which wasn't who I was, but NOT being who they wanted me to be was "bad." I'm finally past that, finally to the point of "it's okay to be who I really am," and that ultra female mode takes me back to the years of trying to make the people around me happy at my own expense. Maybe indulging that dress/makeup/nail polish craving *just once* will make it go away for good...I should try that. If I do, I'll let you know what happens.