Long time, no write. I could launch into a thing about it being too hot to think and then school starting and then Halloween and then the eye strain...but the fact is, I've simply been lazy.
That is not to say, however, that the gears haven't been turning all this time. My data entry job gives me lots of time to think, and my thoughts turn frequently to the question, "Who am I?"
Over the last several months, something has been showing itself to be true: The more masculine I let myself be on the inside, the more feminine I become on the outside. I've even bought a hair straightening iron and considered digging my nail polish out of the back of the cabinet. I guess if I had to classify myself somehow, I'd call myself a guy happily trapped in a female body. I have come to think of myself as my own life-size dress-up doll - I want to be cute and pretty, but not for others...for myself. I know that sounds really narcissistic, but if I think of myself as cute, it's a big lift to my confidence.
I have concluded that I want top surgery. Ever since this whole journey began, the one thing that I have consistently had a problem with is my chest. In the beginning, that one part of my anatomy caused most of my gender dysphoria and aggravation. And even now, being well-endowed is more of a nuisance than anything else. As a single working parent, I have no idea when the money will be right and when I'll be able to get the time off of work, but top surgery is definitely something I'd like to do.
Thursday, November 10, 2011
Sunday, July 24, 2011
Coming out
This week's question on OutLateButGreat has to do with coming out:
1. Were there people who accepted you who you "knew" wouldn't? Why do you think that was so?
2. Were there people who didn't accept you who you thought would have no problem? Why do you think THAT was so.
3. Were women or men more accepting, or was it roughly the same mix?
I'm afraid I don't have much to add to this discussion. I am largely still in the closet. I've come out to some people on YouTube and on bigender.net, as well as whoever has read this blog (going by the traffic counts, that's not many *smiles*), and a few people on Second Life know that I'm bigender. But as far as coming out to the people around me offline, it hasn't happened.
I come from a small family - just my parents, my brother, and me. Everyone in my family has very definite ideas about how things should be, with varying degrees of being okay with it when something doesn't fit their ideals. I've always been the black sheep, the one who went against Mom and Dad's expectations. I've caused them enough trouble (and brought enough trouble on myself because of it) and I don't want to do it again unless there's a really solid reason.
My son has been the trickiest. I've been teaching him bit by bit about the gender spectrum by talking about some of the people I follow on YouTube. He understands what MTF and FTM mean, what an androgyne is, what the difference is between gender and sex (I used the analogy of computer hardware being physical sex and operating systems being gender - not perfect, but he understands it because he's into computers. I should try SydneyTinker's pencil example instead, much more accurate). So he understands that androgyny and the gender spectrum are topics of interest to me. But I haven't told him the real reason why. Again, I haven't felt like there's been a reason to do so. And as he approaches the point in his life when he'll be figuring out his own sexuality, he'll have enough to work through without me adding my stuff to the mix.
So-o-o...in the closet I remain. It really doesn't interfere with my life. I don't feel like I'm hiding anything from my family. I'm just me, with my long hippy skirts and my Birks and my video games and my no makeup and my backpack instead of a purse. My family lets me be myself, and I really couldn't ask for more than that.
One of these days, I'll come out of my shell and post a vlog entry. I've always been a better writer than speaker, but I'm finally getting it that I don't have to be perfectly articulate to be a good vlogger. My YouTube channel is StarchildMagic (surprise surprise! haha). Until then, keep in touch here!
1. Were there people who accepted you who you "knew" wouldn't? Why do you think that was so?
2. Were there people who didn't accept you who you thought would have no problem? Why do you think THAT was so.
3. Were women or men more accepting, or was it roughly the same mix?
I'm afraid I don't have much to add to this discussion. I am largely still in the closet. I've come out to some people on YouTube and on bigender.net, as well as whoever has read this blog (going by the traffic counts, that's not many *smiles*), and a few people on Second Life know that I'm bigender. But as far as coming out to the people around me offline, it hasn't happened.
I come from a small family - just my parents, my brother, and me. Everyone in my family has very definite ideas about how things should be, with varying degrees of being okay with it when something doesn't fit their ideals. I've always been the black sheep, the one who went against Mom and Dad's expectations. I've caused them enough trouble (and brought enough trouble on myself because of it) and I don't want to do it again unless there's a really solid reason.
My son has been the trickiest. I've been teaching him bit by bit about the gender spectrum by talking about some of the people I follow on YouTube. He understands what MTF and FTM mean, what an androgyne is, what the difference is between gender and sex (I used the analogy of computer hardware being physical sex and operating systems being gender - not perfect, but he understands it because he's into computers. I should try SydneyTinker's pencil example instead, much more accurate). So he understands that androgyny and the gender spectrum are topics of interest to me. But I haven't told him the real reason why. Again, I haven't felt like there's been a reason to do so. And as he approaches the point in his life when he'll be figuring out his own sexuality, he'll have enough to work through without me adding my stuff to the mix.
So-o-o...in the closet I remain. It really doesn't interfere with my life. I don't feel like I'm hiding anything from my family. I'm just me, with my long hippy skirts and my Birks and my video games and my no makeup and my backpack instead of a purse. My family lets me be myself, and I really couldn't ask for more than that.
One of these days, I'll come out of my shell and post a vlog entry. I've always been a better writer than speaker, but I'm finally getting it that I don't have to be perfectly articulate to be a good vlogger. My YouTube channel is StarchildMagic (surprise surprise! haha). Until then, keep in touch here!
Thursday, July 7, 2011
Gender dysphoria
I recently stumbled upon a video on YouTube by BigenderDragon asking about gender dysphoria. The question is: To what degree do/did you suffer from gender dysphoria, and what did you do to deal with it?
So far, I've done almost all of my gender identity exploring through the virtual world of Second Life. In Second Life, users create an avatar to represent themselves, and that avatar can be anything they want it to be.
I joined Second Life (SL) almost four years ago, and my first avatar was female, modeled after my real-life self. About six months after I created my first avatar, I got to wondering what it would be like to play as a male. So I created my first male avatar, and used both equally. It was when I first began using that male avatar that my gender dysphoria kicked in.
At first, it wasn't a big issue. I had days when I wanted to be female and days I wanted to be male, but it didn't really affect my life outside of SL. But the more I used my male avatar, the more I wanted to use him. Two years ago, I was using him exclusively. That was the point at which my dysphoria began affecting life outside of SL. I came to dislike - even hate - my own body. I began thinking of myself as a sissy if I cried. I was frequently angry, even to the point of wanting to hit someone or something.
Finally, I changed avatars again, this time to a new female (Starchild, for whom my blog account is named). It helped reduce the frustration and anger I was experiencing, and I deleted the male avatar. But that experience led me to start researching gender. I thought maybe I was meant to be a man - in spite of its negative effect on my life, playing a male felt very natural. But there are things about being female that I like, too, and I'm not willing to give up. I finally found the term "androgyne" and realized it fit perfectly.
Once I began using "androgyne" to describe myself, my dysphoria nearly vanished. My avatar is an androgyne, too: she has a feminine appearance, but her body is more like a man's (narrow hips and almost no breasts). I do have a new male avatar that I use from time to time, when I'm feeling more like a man, but the times I use him are becoming fewer and farther between. I can fairly say now that I'm not experiencing gender dysphoria anymore.
That seems like such an abrupt ending to the story, but that's where I am now. I'll keep writing as time goes on and as new experiences and/or issues come up. I'd love to hear feedback from anyone who's reading this, whether it's comments, questions, stories of your own.
So far, I've done almost all of my gender identity exploring through the virtual world of Second Life. In Second Life, users create an avatar to represent themselves, and that avatar can be anything they want it to be.
I joined Second Life (SL) almost four years ago, and my first avatar was female, modeled after my real-life self. About six months after I created my first avatar, I got to wondering what it would be like to play as a male. So I created my first male avatar, and used both equally. It was when I first began using that male avatar that my gender dysphoria kicked in.
At first, it wasn't a big issue. I had days when I wanted to be female and days I wanted to be male, but it didn't really affect my life outside of SL. But the more I used my male avatar, the more I wanted to use him. Two years ago, I was using him exclusively. That was the point at which my dysphoria began affecting life outside of SL. I came to dislike - even hate - my own body. I began thinking of myself as a sissy if I cried. I was frequently angry, even to the point of wanting to hit someone or something.
Finally, I changed avatars again, this time to a new female (Starchild, for whom my blog account is named). It helped reduce the frustration and anger I was experiencing, and I deleted the male avatar. But that experience led me to start researching gender. I thought maybe I was meant to be a man - in spite of its negative effect on my life, playing a male felt very natural. But there are things about being female that I like, too, and I'm not willing to give up. I finally found the term "androgyne" and realized it fit perfectly.
Once I began using "androgyne" to describe myself, my dysphoria nearly vanished. My avatar is an androgyne, too: she has a feminine appearance, but her body is more like a man's (narrow hips and almost no breasts). I do have a new male avatar that I use from time to time, when I'm feeling more like a man, but the times I use him are becoming fewer and farther between. I can fairly say now that I'm not experiencing gender dysphoria anymore.
That seems like such an abrupt ending to the story, but that's where I am now. I'll keep writing as time goes on and as new experiences and/or issues come up. I'd love to hear feedback from anyone who's reading this, whether it's comments, questions, stories of your own.
Monday, June 27, 2011
Girly stuff
Quick entry this time - I don't have much to say right now and it's midnight and time for me to sleep, but it's been a week since my last post.
Since I've acknowledged and accepted my being an androgyne, and since I began really allowing myself to express the male side of me, I've started allowing myself to like "girly" stuff. Not super-girly, like Barbie or Hannah Montana girly. More like teenage girl stuff.
For example, when I got my new cell phone earlier this year, I bought for it a turquoise case with an argyle pattern on the back. My little day planner has blue, green, and tan stripes and circle patterns on it. And I have a little wire sunflower decoration at my desk at work. So, yeah, not "cutesie" girly, but still feminine.
A year ago, I would have resisted liking stuff like that, and even called it stupid. But now, I think it's cute, and I'm okay with having it around.
Since I've acknowledged and accepted my being an androgyne, and since I began really allowing myself to express the male side of me, I've started allowing myself to like "girly" stuff. Not super-girly, like Barbie or Hannah Montana girly. More like teenage girl stuff.
For example, when I got my new cell phone earlier this year, I bought for it a turquoise case with an argyle pattern on the back. My little day planner has blue, green, and tan stripes and circle patterns on it. And I have a little wire sunflower decoration at my desk at work. So, yeah, not "cutesie" girly, but still feminine.
A year ago, I would have resisted liking stuff like that, and even called it stupid. But now, I think it's cute, and I'm okay with having it around.
Tuesday, June 21, 2011
Third time's the charm
Appointment number three, and I finally got those meds!
The doctor I saw was professional, but either she had a lot of patients to see, or else she just works at a different speed than I do. She talked fast, she worked fast, and before I knew it, the exam was over. And thank goodness.
She prescribed for me a medication that is supposed to regulate my cycles *and* cut down the cramps and moodiness. She wants me to take it the way it's meant to be taken for a few months, to be sure I don't have any problems with it. If everything goes well, looks like I'll start using them to stop my cycles in the fall. So...so much for a period-free summer, but at least I won't be a crampy, miserable crank all summer!
The doctor I saw was professional, but either she had a lot of patients to see, or else she just works at a different speed than I do. She talked fast, she worked fast, and before I knew it, the exam was over. And thank goodness.
She prescribed for me a medication that is supposed to regulate my cycles *and* cut down the cramps and moodiness. She wants me to take it the way it's meant to be taken for a few months, to be sure I don't have any problems with it. If everything goes well, looks like I'll start using them to stop my cycles in the fall. So...so much for a period-free summer, but at least I won't be a crampy, miserable crank all summer!
Saturday, June 18, 2011
Second appointment
Sigh...still not on those meds yet. The clinic I've been going to doesn't have the equipment they need to do the exam the nurse wanted done. Guess that's what I get for going to the employee clinic instead of straight to the doctor's office. At least I got the lab work done. The results are back already, and everything looks great.
Appointment number three is on Monday at the doctor's office. I was really happy that I was able to get in so quickly. I believe in signs, and I'd like to think this is a sign that it's time for this to happen.
Appointment number three is on Monday at the doctor's office. I was really happy that I was able to get in so quickly. I believe in signs, and I'd like to think this is a sign that it's time for this to happen.
Wednesday, June 15, 2011
First appointment
Had my first appointment for starting birth control on Monday morning, and it was much easier than I expected it to be.
I was expecting to have to make a case for my idea, give the nurse a big spiel about why I wanted it. I was all prepared to tell her how moody I was all month, how bad the cramps had gotten, and overall how miserable I had been, even to the point of stretching the truth. But all that happened was she took my blood pressure, asked me a bunch of questions about my heart and circulatory health, and of course, my sexual history. Then she said she saw no reason at all that I couldn't start on the hormones.
She did want me to have an exam and some lab work to be sure there wasn't anything she was missing that would cause problems when I started the meds, and that appointment is this Friday. But it sounds like, barring anything going wrong in the exam, I'll start the birth control at the end of this week.
I'm less nervous now than I was on Monday. The hard part is over - telling the nurse what I wanted and why. Now, it's really just a matter of waiting. I'll keep you posted. :-)
I was expecting to have to make a case for my idea, give the nurse a big spiel about why I wanted it. I was all prepared to tell her how moody I was all month, how bad the cramps had gotten, and overall how miserable I had been, even to the point of stretching the truth. But all that happened was she took my blood pressure, asked me a bunch of questions about my heart and circulatory health, and of course, my sexual history. Then she said she saw no reason at all that I couldn't start on the hormones.
She did want me to have an exam and some lab work to be sure there wasn't anything she was missing that would cause problems when I started the meds, and that appointment is this Friday. But it sounds like, barring anything going wrong in the exam, I'll start the birth control at the end of this week.
I'm less nervous now than I was on Monday. The hard part is over - telling the nurse what I wanted and why. Now, it's really just a matter of waiting. I'll keep you posted. :-)
Sunday, June 12, 2011
Hormone therapy, of a sort
Never thought I'd do it, but I'm going to talk with someone tomorrow about starting a sort of hormone therapy.
I'm not looking to transition fully to a male, but I want to go about halfway, come as close to a physical androgyne as I can get without massive amounts of surgery and medications. So tomorrow afternoon, I have an appointment at the clinic to see about starting on birth control to get my periods to stop.
I've disliked my monthly cycles for a long time, even before identifying as an androgyne. Before, it was a more practical matter - the cramps, the mood swings, keeping from staining my clothes. But it's become more of a gender issue, too. I've actually come to enjoy the emotional ups and downs through the month, but they serve as a reminder that I'm still "all girl."
So, we'll see what she says at my appointment tomorrow. I'm really nervous, very much hoping she'll approve the meds, and at the same time scared about how they will affect my life.
I'm not looking to transition fully to a male, but I want to go about halfway, come as close to a physical androgyne as I can get without massive amounts of surgery and medications. So tomorrow afternoon, I have an appointment at the clinic to see about starting on birth control to get my periods to stop.
I've disliked my monthly cycles for a long time, even before identifying as an androgyne. Before, it was a more practical matter - the cramps, the mood swings, keeping from staining my clothes. But it's become more of a gender issue, too. I've actually come to enjoy the emotional ups and downs through the month, but they serve as a reminder that I'm still "all girl."
So, we'll see what she says at my appointment tomorrow. I'm really nervous, very much hoping she'll approve the meds, and at the same time scared about how they will affect my life.
Saturday, June 11, 2011
Long-distance relationships
This week's question from Out Late But Great is: Given the smaller dating pool in the LGBTQ community, would you consider or have you been in a long-distance relationship? What advice would you give to someone in an LDR?
This one has been difficult for me. I've been mulling over the question for days. As someone who has been in one failed long-distance relationships and no successful ones, I'm not really sure I'm qualified to speak on the subject. But I suppose I can talk about what I've learned.
Shortly after joining the online community Second Life, I met Derec (his SL name) and we really hit it off. We were from opposite sides of the globe, but we dated online: we went dancing, hung out on the beach, and did lots of other fun stuff together in Second Life. We had a great time when we saw each other. But then he would disappear for weeks, and I wouldn't hear anything from him. I finally did what he had done long before - give up on the relationship.
So what did I learn about LDR's? First and foremost, keeping up communication is essential. While this is true in any relationship, it is especially true when you don't get to see each other regularly. Write an email (even if it's a short one), make a phone call, send a letter…do something to communicate with each other every day. Otherwise, it's just like giving your partner the silent treatment - they know something's wrong, but they have no idea what it might be. The distance adds another aspect: your partner won't know that you aren't hospitalized, or worse, and that can be very distressing.
Saying exactly what you mean in your communications is also critical. In an email, there are no non-verbal cues to go by to determine the real meaning of a message. A message that says "I'm fine" can mean they're fine, or they're ready to cry/yell at you/leave/whatever, and there's almost no way to know.
Guess I really don't have anything more to say. Looking back on what I have, to me it looks tainted with the hard feelings left over from my LDR gone bad. I hope I haven't come across as cynical or bitter! I've known plenty of people who have had successful long-distance relationships, and they're not easy, but they can work.
This one has been difficult for me. I've been mulling over the question for days. As someone who has been in one failed long-distance relationships and no successful ones, I'm not really sure I'm qualified to speak on the subject. But I suppose I can talk about what I've learned.
Shortly after joining the online community Second Life, I met Derec (his SL name) and we really hit it off. We were from opposite sides of the globe, but we dated online: we went dancing, hung out on the beach, and did lots of other fun stuff together in Second Life. We had a great time when we saw each other. But then he would disappear for weeks, and I wouldn't hear anything from him. I finally did what he had done long before - give up on the relationship.
So what did I learn about LDR's? First and foremost, keeping up communication is essential. While this is true in any relationship, it is especially true when you don't get to see each other regularly. Write an email (even if it's a short one), make a phone call, send a letter…do something to communicate with each other every day. Otherwise, it's just like giving your partner the silent treatment - they know something's wrong, but they have no idea what it might be. The distance adds another aspect: your partner won't know that you aren't hospitalized, or worse, and that can be very distressing.
Saying exactly what you mean in your communications is also critical. In an email, there are no non-verbal cues to go by to determine the real meaning of a message. A message that says "I'm fine" can mean they're fine, or they're ready to cry/yell at you/leave/whatever, and there's almost no way to know.
Guess I really don't have anything more to say. Looking back on what I have, to me it looks tainted with the hard feelings left over from my LDR gone bad. I hope I haven't come across as cynical or bitter! I've known plenty of people who have had successful long-distance relationships, and they're not easy, but they can work.
Monday, June 6, 2011
Is coming out/not coming out more complicated?
I'm clearly not good at keeping this blog up to date, and I'm really sorry about that. I thought I'd have more to say, but apparently not....
At any rate, OutLateButGreat recently posed this question on their YouTube channel: Is life more or less complicated now that you're out, and what are the advantages of being LGBTQ?
As to the first part of the question, I'm not really out yet. I've come out on this blog, but I don't really count that because I don't know who all has read it, if anyone. I also came out to my best friend, but she asked me point-blank if I was bi, and I wasn't about to lie to her. If hadn't come out to her because she asked, I still would have come out to her first, because she and I trust each other completely and tell each other everything.
So is my life complicated because I haven't told the people around me that I'm bi? Not really. Between working full-time and raising my autistic adolescent by myself, I don't have time for dating. I haven't dated much anyway. I can count my ex-boyfriends on one hand. In each relationship, he was someone I already knew because we hung out with the same people, and the friendship grew into something more. So as far as relationships go, I don't feel like I have anything to hide.
What about coming out as an androgyne? Again, I don't see a reason to. For most of my life, I wasn't really a "girly-girl." I was for a couple of years when I was 15-16 years old, but otherwise, I've been happy being kind of a tomboy. I don't wear makeup, fix up my hair, or wear lace or anything frilly. I'm better with computers than with feelings, even my own. When I'm in a bad mood, I want to beat something up rather than talk it out or cry. But all of this is just *me*, just parts of who I am as a person. It doesn't have to be because I'm an androgyne, even though it is.
I just looked at OutLateButGreat's channel, and there's a new question about long-distance relationships. They pose good questions that lead to good discussions, so look for more from me in the next few days.
Monday, March 21, 2011
Hormones
Androgyny and hormones...a whole set of experiences that I'm not sure that anyone but an androgyne can truly understand.
It's "that" time of month (sorry if that's too much information - promise I'll stop right there!) and my hormones have been going bonkers. Being anatomically female, I do get the fun of once-a-month hormones gone haywire. But with the male element thrown into the mix, it turns it into something completely different than I think it probably is for someone who is fully female.
I get often get depressed at my time of month. But I don't get weepy, I don't get the urge to watch soppy movies or listen to love songs or anything like that. No, I become hateful and critical of everything. I'd rather be by myself and brood until I get the chance to beat the crap out of something. (Thank goodness for games like Second Life where I can do that without hurting anyone!) It feels more like an overdose of testosterone than a female hormone.
I know, some women become Queen "B" when Aunt Flo's on her way. But do they get the urge to blow stuff up or beat things to a pulp? I really don't know, I don't think I've ever had a "normal" case of PMS.
Anyone who would like to weigh in and tell me what non-androgyne women experience, I'd love to hear it in a comment.
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
Introduction
Hi! (That seems like a silly way to start off a blog introduction, but hey...just trying to be polite!)
Online, I go by Starchild, or just Star. I recently identified myself as an androgyne.
*voice from the back says, "What's an androgyne?*
Fair question. An androgyne is a person who does not fit clearly within the category of "female" or "male" in the way they think, behave, and interact with the world. This is not connected to the person's anatomy, although there are physical androgynes, too. What I'm talking about is how the person's mind works - their gender. As I tend to put it: Sex is between the legs, but gender is between the ears. (Sorry for being so blunt!)
I'm anatomically female, but all my life, I've felt like I was part male and part female. As a child, I was equally happy playing Tranformers as My Little Pony. In high school, I preferred the science lab or the computer room to shopping with my friends. I crushed just as easily on other girls as I did on boys. I always wondered what was "wrong" with me.
A few years ago, I discovered the virtual world Second Life. Second Life allowed me to be ANYTHING I wanted to be. So I explored what I wanted to be. I was a woman for a while, then I was a man for a while. Both felt completely natural and comfortable. I concluded that I was meant to be a man. But while I was researching transsexualism, I discovered the term "androgyne" and it fit me perfectly.
By the way, that's where the blog's URL came from - it's short for Second Life Androgyne.
Okay, I've yakked enough about my past (for now, at least! haha) What's my goal here? Well, there's lots out there about androgynes and androgyny, but it seems like most of it is intellectual rather than personal. I'm offering my personal, real-world experience as an androgyne. From time to time, I'll link to videos or other blogs or whatever that were interesting and/or helpful to me (and by extension, may be to you, the reader).
I'd also like to hear from anyone else who's had experiences like mine, has ideas or thoughts to share, or just wants to say "Nice blog" or "Get stuffed." Comments are moderated, not to screen out the not-so-nice ones, but to screen out the spammy ones. But if it's relevant and not mean-spirited, I'll post it.
Online, I go by Starchild, or just Star. I recently identified myself as an androgyne.
*voice from the back says, "What's an androgyne?*
Fair question. An androgyne is a person who does not fit clearly within the category of "female" or "male" in the way they think, behave, and interact with the world. This is not connected to the person's anatomy, although there are physical androgynes, too. What I'm talking about is how the person's mind works - their gender. As I tend to put it: Sex is between the legs, but gender is between the ears. (Sorry for being so blunt!)
I'm anatomically female, but all my life, I've felt like I was part male and part female. As a child, I was equally happy playing Tranformers as My Little Pony. In high school, I preferred the science lab or the computer room to shopping with my friends. I crushed just as easily on other girls as I did on boys. I always wondered what was "wrong" with me.
A few years ago, I discovered the virtual world Second Life. Second Life allowed me to be ANYTHING I wanted to be. So I explored what I wanted to be. I was a woman for a while, then I was a man for a while. Both felt completely natural and comfortable. I concluded that I was meant to be a man. But while I was researching transsexualism, I discovered the term "androgyne" and it fit me perfectly.
By the way, that's where the blog's URL came from - it's short for Second Life Androgyne.
Okay, I've yakked enough about my past (for now, at least! haha) What's my goal here? Well, there's lots out there about androgynes and androgyny, but it seems like most of it is intellectual rather than personal. I'm offering my personal, real-world experience as an androgyne. From time to time, I'll link to videos or other blogs or whatever that were interesting and/or helpful to me (and by extension, may be to you, the reader).
I'd also like to hear from anyone else who's had experiences like mine, has ideas or thoughts to share, or just wants to say "Nice blog" or "Get stuffed." Comments are moderated, not to screen out the not-so-nice ones, but to screen out the spammy ones. But if it's relevant and not mean-spirited, I'll post it.
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