For all of the positive changes I've been through, hard though they might have been at times, there's still one thing I need to work through. And it's the hardest, most entrenched, and most debilitating one of all.
My negative self talk.
Most of the time, I don't hear it because I'm too busy doing other things, and I've learned to shut it out. But a few things have happened in the last few days (long story, I won't get into it) that have brought it back into my consciousness.
Mostly I think of myself as dumb, slow, and dim-witted. I try to tell jokes and they come out all wrong. I try to do an impression of someone, and it's not right. I pick up on a game like Bejeweled, and I just *know* there are a hundred really good moves that I've totally overlooked. I post something on Twitter or Facebook, and as soon as it's up, I decide it sounds stupid and I was stupid for saying it. I make a small mistake at work, and suddenly I'm afraid of losing my job because to me, it was a way bigger screw-up than it really was. Hard as I try, I don't take criticism well because no matter how constructive it is, in my head I'm telling myself, "Gads, you loser, you effed up AGAIN!"
I know I do it. I know I can stop doing it, or at least make it hurt less. I know the things to remind myself are good about me, or at least the things I like about myself. Most of the time, it works. But every now and again, the pity party goes into full swing, and I'm crying and beating myself up simply because of something I think I should be and I'm not.
