Girly stuff

Quick entry this time - I don't have much to say right now and it's midnight and time for me to sleep, but it's been a week since my last post.

Since I've acknowledged and accepted my being an androgyne, and since I began really allowing myself to express the male side of me, I've started allowing myself to like "girly" stuff. Not super-girly, like Barbie or Hannah Montana girly. More like teenage girl stuff.

For example, when I got my new cell phone earlier this year, I bought for it a turquoise case with an argyle pattern on the back. My little day planner has blue, green, and tan stripes and circle patterns on it. And I have a little wire sunflower decoration at my desk at work. So, yeah, not "cutesie" girly, but still feminine.

A year ago, I would have resisted liking stuff like that, and even called it stupid. But now, I think it's cute, and I'm okay with having it around.

Third time's the charm

Appointment number three, and I finally got those meds!

The doctor I saw was professional, but either she had a lot of patients to see, or else she just works at a different speed than I do. She talked fast, she worked fast, and before I knew it, the exam was over.  And thank goodness.

She prescribed for me a medication that is supposed to regulate my cycles *and* cut down the cramps and moodiness. She wants me to take it the way it's meant to be taken for a few months, to be sure I don't have any problems with it. If everything goes well, looks like I'll start using them to stop my cycles in the fall. So...so much for a period-free summer, but at least I won't be a crampy, miserable crank all summer!

Second appointment

Sigh...still not on those meds yet. The clinic I've been going to doesn't have the equipment they need to do the exam the nurse wanted done. Guess that's what I get for going to the employee clinic instead of straight to the doctor's office. At least I got the lab work done. The results are back already, and everything looks great.

Appointment number three is on Monday at the doctor's office. I was really happy that I was able to get in so quickly. I believe in signs, and I'd like to think this is a sign that it's time for this to happen.

First appointment

Had my first appointment for starting birth control on Monday morning, and it was much easier than I expected it to be.

I was expecting to have to make a case for my idea, give the nurse a big spiel about why I wanted it. I was all prepared to tell her how moody I was all month, how bad the cramps had gotten, and overall how miserable I had been, even to the point of stretching the truth. But all that happened was she took my blood pressure, asked me a bunch of questions about my heart and circulatory health, and of course, my sexual history. Then she said she saw no reason at all that I couldn't start on the hormones.

She did want me to have an exam and some lab work to be sure there wasn't anything she was missing that would cause problems when I started the meds, and that appointment is this Friday. But it sounds like, barring anything going wrong in the exam, I'll start the birth control at the end of this week.

I'm less nervous now than I was on Monday. The hard part is over - telling the nurse what I wanted and why. Now, it's really just a matter of waiting. I'll keep you posted. :-)

Hormone therapy, of a sort

Never thought I'd do it, but I'm going to talk with someone tomorrow about starting a sort of hormone therapy.

I'm not looking to transition fully to a male, but I want to go about halfway, come as close to a physical androgyne as I can get without massive amounts of surgery and medications. So tomorrow afternoon, I have an appointment at the clinic to see about starting on birth control to get my periods to stop.

I've disliked my monthly cycles for a long time, even before identifying as an androgyne. Before, it was a more practical matter - the cramps, the mood swings, keeping from staining my clothes. But it's become more of a gender issue, too. I've actually come to enjoy the emotional ups and downs through the month, but they serve as a reminder that I'm still "all girl."

So, we'll see what she says at my appointment tomorrow. I'm really nervous, very much hoping she'll approve the meds, and at the same time scared about how they will affect my life.

Long-distance relationships

This week's question from Out Late But Great is: Given the smaller dating pool in the LGBTQ community, would you consider or have you been in a long-distance relationship? What advice would you give to someone in an LDR?

This one has been difficult for me. I've been mulling over the question for days. As someone who has been in one failed long-distance relationships and no successful ones, I'm not really sure I'm qualified to speak on the subject. But I suppose I can talk about what I've learned.

Shortly after joining the online community Second Life, I met Derec (his SL name) and we really hit it off. We were from opposite sides of the globe, but we dated online: we went dancing, hung out on the beach, and did lots of other fun stuff together in Second Life. We had a great time when we saw each other. But then he would disappear for weeks, and I wouldn't hear anything from him. I finally did what he had done long before - give up on the relationship.

So what did I learn about LDR's? First and foremost, keeping up communication is essential. While this is true in any relationship, it is especially true when you don't get to see each other regularly. Write an email (even if it's a short one), make a phone call, send a letter…do something to communicate with each other every day.  Otherwise, it's just like giving your partner the silent treatment  - they know something's wrong, but they have no idea what it might be. The distance adds another aspect: your partner won't know that you aren't hospitalized, or worse, and that can be very distressing.

Saying exactly what you mean in your communications is also critical. In an email, there are no non-verbal cues to go by to determine the real meaning of a message. A message that says "I'm fine" can mean they're fine, or they're ready to cry/yell at you/leave/whatever, and there's almost no way to know.

Guess I really don't have anything more to say. Looking back on what I have, to me it looks tainted with the hard feelings left over from my LDR gone bad. I hope I haven't come across as cynical or bitter! I've known plenty of people who have had successful long-distance relationships, and they're not easy, but they can work.

Is coming out/not coming out more complicated?

I'm clearly not good at keeping this blog up to date, and I'm really sorry about that. I thought I'd have more to say, but apparently not....

 

At any rate, OutLateButGreat recently posed this question on their YouTube channel: Is life more or less complicated now that you're out, and what are the advantages of being LGBTQ?

 

As to the first part of the question, I'm not really out yet. I've come out on this blog, but I don't really count that because I don't know who all has read it, if anyone. I also came out to my best friend, but she asked me point-blank if I was bi, and I wasn't about to lie to her. If hadn't come out to her because she asked, I still would have come out to her first, because she and I trust each other completely and tell each other everything.

 

So is my life complicated because I haven't told the people around me that I'm bi? Not really. Between working full-time and raising my autistic adolescent by myself, I don't have time for dating. I haven't dated much anyway. I can count my ex-boyfriends on one hand. In each relationship, he was someone I already knew because we hung out with the same people, and the friendship grew into something more. So as far as relationships go, I don't feel like I have anything to hide.

 

What about coming out as an androgyne? Again, I don't see a reason to. For most of my life, I wasn't really a "girly-girl." I was for a couple of years when I was 15-16 years old, but otherwise, I've been happy being kind of a tomboy. I don't wear makeup, fix up my hair, or wear lace or anything frilly. I'm better with computers than with feelings, even my own. When I'm in a bad mood, I want to beat something up rather than talk it out or cry. But all of this is just *me*, just parts of who I am as a person. It doesn't have to be because I'm an androgyne, even though it is.

 

Do I think it's an advantage or a privilege to be bi? I have long maintained that bisexual people love and appreciate people as people, rather than just as men or as women. I think bisexuality has the fairest, most balanced view of people. (Whether this is true or not, I don't really know, but that's my theory.) Not to mention, no one is off-limits just because they're male or female! Personally, I also like being different from the multitude. I've always liked being different in some way. Whether it be a distinctive piece of clothing, an unusual possession, or a life experience that no one around me has had, I like having something that is uniquely *me*.

I just looked at OutLateButGreat's channel, and there's a new question about long-distance relationships. They pose good questions that lead to good discussions, so look for more from me in the next few days.