Self-talk

For all of the positive changes I've been through, hard though they might have been at times, there's still one thing I need to work through. And it's the hardest, most entrenched, and most debilitating one of all.

My negative self talk.

Most of the time, I don't hear it because I'm too busy doing other things, and I've learned to shut it out. But a few things have happened in the last few days (long story, I won't get into it) that have brought it back into my consciousness.

Mostly I think of myself as dumb, slow, and dim-witted. I try to tell jokes and they come out all wrong. I try to do an impression of someone, and it's not right. I pick up on a game like Bejeweled, and I just *know* there are a hundred really good moves that I've totally overlooked. I post something on Twitter or Facebook, and as soon as it's up, I decide it sounds stupid and I was stupid for saying it. I make a small mistake at work, and suddenly I'm afraid of losing my job because to me, it was a way bigger screw-up than it really was. Hard as I try, I don't take criticism well because no matter how constructive it is, in my head I'm telling myself, "Gads, you loser, you effed up AGAIN!"

I know I do it. I know I can stop doing it, or at least make it hurt less. I know the things to remind myself are good about me, or at least the things I like about myself. Most of the time, it works. But every now and again, the pity party goes into full swing, and I'm crying and beating myself up simply because of something I think I should be and I'm not.

Doing it backward?

Eesh, two months since my last post? Sorry for the long hiatus. I've just moved, and that took up most of my attention during that time.

Kind of struggling to figure out where to start to talk about what's currently going through my head gender-wise. I've been feeling frustrated over how my presentation didn't seem to match how I felt inside. I've been driving myself crazy over how I've gone back to wearing skirts every day, after having begun wearing trousers or jeans more often. Plus, I'm still frustrated over not being able to give a name to my identity. I'm not trying to force myself to fit a label - I'm trying to find a label that fits who I am.

A few days ago, Paige from I Bigender posted her first video blog. The topic was "Should I Transition?" and her answer was a clear and resounding, 'Yes! Do it now!" That got me thinking, why am I not opening up about my gender journey?

But that took me right back to, "But what does transitioning look like for me?" Like I've said before, there's a lot about me that isn't what society would consider feminine. I still dress very feminine most of the time - I still prefer long skirts over trousers because they're easier to wear and more comfortable. But for the most part, I'm not really a girly girl.

Today, I looked up "androgyny" on YouTube, to see what it looks like to other people who identify as androgynous. I found a couple of videos which were interesting, but not especially helpful to me. But "androgyny" led to "genderless," which led to "genderqueer," and "gender fluid," and now I was finding videos that really spoke to me. I'll post links at the end of this entry.

The last video I watched was by TheSLOfox, and it's entitled "Genderfluid + Self-acceptance vs. self-improvement." In it, she talks about accepting herself for who she is, instead of trying to make herself something she's not.

That really hit home for me and made me realize: maybe I've been trying to turn myself into something I think I should be, instead of letting myself be who I am. Maybe the transition that I've been desperately trying to define, has already happened. Maybe what I am is "genderless, sometimes presenting as male, sometimes presenting as female." Maybe, just maybe, the transition came before I realized I was transitioning, or even before I knew I wanted to transition.

Anyway, I have to let this new idea rattle around in my head for a while. If I don't post again before the end of the year, I hope everyone has a safe and wonderful holiday season!

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Videos that I found helpful:

I Bigender Vid Blog 1 - Should I transition? by jargoabendroth

I'm Genderqueer/Genderfluid/Androgynous! by WyldFire777

Genderless by queerbtw

GQC - Advice for new Genderqueer's by GenderqueerChat

"Genderfluid" + Self-acceptance vs. self-improvement by TheSLOfox

Presentation

I've been thinking about clothes a lot lately. For a while, I kind of scolded myself, saying that my level of fixation on clothing was too girly. But then I realized that it had to do with presentation - what I'm wearing tells the world a lot about me.

Here's what's going on: Two years ago at my office, there were two openly gay VP's and at least one gender-variant manager (I'm 99% sure she was lesbian, but I don't know if she was out). Now, all three of them have retired, and I'm not aware of any other gender-variant people in our roughly 600 person office. (That's not to say there aren't any at all, I'm just not aware of any.)

So I've been thinking: Maybe it's time for me to let myself show my gender-vibrance at work.

Then again, how do I do that? I mean, even before I identified as androgyne, I wasn't really very feminine. I haven't worn makeup or carried a purse in twenty years, and I've never owned a pair of heels or cute strappy sandals. But I have coworkers who don't do any of that stuff, either, and they're quite feminine. My body shape clearly marks me as female - at my size, there's no hiding that. And my penchant for wearing gypsy skirts marks me as female, even if I wear them more because they're easy and comfortable than because they're pretty.

I did wear trousers to work today (first time in three years). I couldn't stand the idea of wearing a skirt, so I wore khaki trousers, a blue T-shirt, and boat shoes. I'll be doing that more often . It felt really good not to be marking myself so clearly as female. Most people around the office know me, or at least have seen me around, so I seriously doubt I could pass for male even if I tried. But it was nice to be closer to the middle of the spectrum.

Maybe gender-vibrance means trousers and no makeup one day, then a dress and makeup the next. I don't know. Guess I'll figure it out. I would like to use my neutral name, Hadley, but for now that remains an online thing. And that's okay. I'll get a chance someday. :-)

For some odd reason, it crossed my mind today to come out to my mother and father. But I can only imagine how that would go. Mom would have a nervous breakdown, and Dad would somehow manage to find a stack of articles for me about why being gender-variant is "bad," especially for my son. Yeah...no thanks.

Anyway, off to bed with me. Thanks for stopping by!

Cheers,
Hadley

A Good Evening

Today was the open house at the school, and one of the teachers had passed out a paper that parents were supposed to return to her, so I was kind of obligated to go. It's all good, I got to meet all the teachers and see the classrooms, and that was neat.

As I was getting ready to go, suddenly the idea of wearing a skirt absolutely repulsed me. I've been living in long gypsy skirts all summer, because they're more comfortable than trousers in the heat. I own two pairs of trousers, but the jeans are a little too small, and I'd ordered the khakis through the mail and hadn't tried them on yet. Turns out the khakis fit just fine, so I wore them with a button-down blue shirt. Fairly gender-neutral fare. It felt SO good to present as more androgynous than female. I could tell the difference in how I greeted the teachers, too - I was more confident than usual and made eye contact more easily.

I recently watched a great video by BrinConvenient, explaining how she experiences gender switches. (Fair warning: Brin's videos tend to run long, but it's all very intelligent and thoughtful.) In essence, she describes the switches as changes in which gender presentation feels the most comfortable and the least like putting on a show. I guess I would say I have the same experience. Makes it awkward when I'm in girl garb and I suddenly want to be holding doors and elevators for other women! *laughing*

Anywho, it was a good evening, and I thought I'd share. :-)

A New Life

Got my laptop...got my tea (somehow, a cup of Earl Gray is a must when I'm blogging!)...it's nice and quiet...here we go.

I guess the biggest development since last time is the new round of "stuff" purging. I'm getting into some of the stuff that has sentimental or "coolness" value, or at least it did in the recent past. Pokemon cards, toys, books, furniture...I'm cutting deeper into what I have and shedding items that I've been reluctant to let go of.

The more stuff I let go of, the more of my old life goes with it. This evening, I was looking at photos of friends that I downloaded from Facebook. I had another FB account before, with connections to people I've known since I was a small child. Today, it was weird looking at the pictures of them. They represented a life that I've been working to move on from, and I realized today just how far I've come. I'm becoming really okay with who I am and how I've chosen to live my life. I still feel like I have to put on a bit of a show for my family, but I really only see them on birthdays, at Thanksgiving, and for Christmas. That's seven days out of the year. I can handle that. :-)

I'm still working to define myself as far as gender. The best I've come up with at this point is "genderfluid panamorous asexual." Maybe that's redundant, I don't know. I do feel the need to separate the emotional attraction from the physical, because while I am still attracted to people from all over the gender spectrum, I'm not interested in being intimate with anyone (although I'm not completely closed to the idea).

I had more to say, but it's well past midnight and my sleepy brain has forgotten what it was. Oh well, it will be the seed for another entry.

A Bit Off Topic

I came across this story and poem on Google+ and couldn't help but pass it on. I worked in a retirement home when I was in high school, and I ADORED the people living there. Elderly people are living history books and treasure troves of wisdom, and some of my best high school memories are from sitting in the lobby of the retirement home and talking with the residents.

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When an old man died in the geriatric ward of a nursing home in an Australian country town, it was believed that he had nothing left of any value.
Later, when the nurses were going through his meager possessions, They found this poem. Its quality and content so impressed the staff that copies were made and distributed to every nurse in the hospital.

One nurse took her copy to Melbourne. The old man's sole bequest to posterity has since appeared in the Christmas editions of magazines around the country and appearing in mags for Mental Health. A slide presentation has also been made based on his simple, but eloquent, poem.

And this old man, with nothing left to give to the world, is now the author of this 'anonymous' poem winging across the Internet.

Cranky Old Man

What do you see nurses? . . .. . .What do you see?
What are you thinking .. . when you're looking at me?
A cranky old man, . . . . . .not very wise,
Uncertain of habit .. . . . . . . .. with faraway eyes?
Who dribbles his food .. . ... . . and makes no reply.
When you say in a loud voice . .'I do wish you'd try!'
Who seems not to notice . . .the things that you do.
And forever is losing . . . . . .. . . A sock or shoe?
Who, resisting or not . . . ... lets you do as you will,
With bathing and feeding . . . .The long day to fill?
Is that what you're thinking?. .Is that what you see?
Then open your eyes, nurse .you're not looking at me.
I'll tell you who I am . . . . .. As I sit here so still,
As I do at your bidding, .. . . . as I eat at your will.
I'm a small child of Ten . .with a father and mother,
Brothers and sisters .. . . .. . who love one another
A young boy of Sixteen . . . .. with wings on his feet
Dreaming that soon now . . .. . . a lover he'll meet.
A groom soon at Twenty . . . ..my heart gives a leap.
Remembering, the vows .. .. .that I promised to keep.
At Twenty-Five, now . . . . .I have young of my own.
Who need me to guide . . . And a secure happy home.
A man of Thirty . .. . . . . My young now grown fast,
Bound to each other . . .. With ties that should last.
At Forty, my young sons .. .have grown and are gone,
But my woman is beside me . . to see I don't mourn.
At Fifty, once more, .. ...Babies play 'round my knee,
Again, we know children . . . . My loved one and me.
Dark days are upon me . . . . My wife is now dead.
I look at the future ... . . . . I shudder with dread.
For my young are all rearing .. . . young of their own.
And I think of the years . . . And the love that I've known.
I'm now an old man . . . . . . .. and nature is cruel.
It's jest to make old age . . . . . . . look like a fool.
The body, it crumbles .. .. . grace and vigour, depart.
There is now a stone . . . where I once had a heart.
But inside this old carcass . A young man still dwells,
And now and again . . . . . my battered heart swells
I remember the joys . . . . .. . I remember the pain.
And I'm loving and living . . . . . . . life over again.
I think of the years, all too few . . .. gone too fast.
And accept the stark fact . . . that nothing can last.
So open your eyes, people .. . . . .. . . open and see.
Not a cranky old man .
Look closer . . . . see .. .. . .. .... . ME!!

Remember this poem when you next meet an older person who you might brush aside without looking at the young soul within. We will all, one day, be there, too!

Misgendering Myself

Finally settled into the summer vacation routine, gone on vacation and come back, and now, at long last, back here.

I ordered some clothes from OneStopPlus again - some t-shirts, some button-down shirts, and a pair of khaki cargo trousers. Gender-neutral stuff. Even though, on hot summer days, I find long skirts far more comfortable than trousers.

Each time I get a shipment, they send me loads of catalogs. Normally, I drop them straight into the recycle bin. But this last time, I got one for a company called Serengeti which intrigued me. In it was a lot of stuff like what I wore when I was in high school. Really neat hippy, import stuff.

A couple of examples:

Images courtesy of serengeticatalog.com

It is super-hard to find stuff like this in my size, so I was elated to see that it exists. I was ready to order five or six outfits. Then, I realized the irony. I had just opened a package of shirts *specifically chosen* because they were gender-neutral, and now I was going gaga over these very feminine items.

So...I'm trying to figure out how all of this fits with my gender-fluidity. Maybe I choose the clothes depending on my mood. Maybe the clothes help dictate how I feel and how I want to present. Maybe I'm still a ways off from really even trying to present as neutral, in spite of what I tell myself. Or maybe I don't really want to present as neutral at all.

If all of that sounds confusing, it's a sign of how muddled things are in my head.

Settling Down

This all may sound very silly, but I've realized that I'm more settled in to my own life and into myself than I've ever been.

For many years, I was always looking for change. New clothes. New furniture. New decorations. New places to live. I loved change. I needed it. I was chronically unhappy. I knew something had to change in my life, but I didn't know what it was.

When I joined Second Life, the changes were even easier to make. I was moving from one parcel of virtual land to another every other week. I went through more avatars than I could ever hope to count. I was buying new clothes, new houses, and new furniture all the time. Every time I got something new, I loved it, but in very short order I was unhappy again and wanted something else.

The other element of this was mess and clutter. My apartment was a disaster all the time. There were decorative knick-knacks everywhere, papers all over my desk, clothes piled on the chair, dirty dishes everywhere in the kitchen and living room, closets and cabinets stuffed to bursting...yeah, mess.

All of this began to change about six months ago. I finally had the relationship I wanted with my parents. I had cleared out a lot of my old *stuff* and therefore old parts of my life I needed to let go of to move forward. And most of all, I really began to sort out who I was and to be okay with it. Inside my head is less chaotic and messy, and that's taking form physically in my living space.

So as I stand and look around my tidy living room and tidy bedroom, I realize that I'm happier and more at peace than I've ever been before in my life. I'm so grateful for this, because much of my life has been incredibly stressful and painful.

I know I don't post much - I often go through times when I don't have anything to say, or else I don't feel like saying anything. Blogging has been a form of therapy for me, and apparently it's working. :-) If you'd like to keep in touch, you can find me on Twitter where I'm much more active.

Under the Rug

I'm really behind on the blogs that I follow, so I've been on genderfork.com and Google Reader trying to catch up. Now I'm stressed out, annoyed, angry...all kinds of unhappy about my own gender issues.

I'm still very much unsettled as far as where I am on the gender spectrum. "Genderfluid" describes me best, but a big part of me wants to be just *one thing*, choose one spot on the spectrum and stay there. And that's not how it works for me. I'm constantly shifting from one gender to another.

I'm not good with that kind of uncertainty. I prefer to know what something is, and to know that it's not going to change all the time. When something this important is this much in flux, it's very, very stressful for me.

Usually, I just try not to think about it. If I get my mind all wrapped up in whether I'm male, female, or genderless, I start obsessing over it to the point where I can't think about anything else and I'll get stuck.

Yeah...like now.

Workplace Diversity

I have one of those nine-to-five corporate jobs. The company I work for has offices all over the state. I work in the main office with about 600 other people. Even for someone like me, who really isn't cut out for corporate life, it's a great place to work. The general atmosphere is friendly and open. Upper management and executives are accessible to everyone, no matter what their position in the company. And we're taken care of very well with good pay, good benefits, and plenty of little "extras."

One topic the company has been focusing on this year is diversity. When this was announced, I thought, "Eh, well, isn't that nice. They're going to encourage us to pay attention to all the different ethnic backgrounds, work histories, and ages of our coworkers. Why not?"

Last week, the Communication and Design team published what they called the Diversity Tree. There was an article on the intranet about it, explaining what it all meant. I read it, and promptly forgot about it when I saw what was on the graphic itself.

The circles are my own emphasis. I know it's hard to read so I'll just say it: Listed among the elements of diversity are sexual orientation, gender identity, and gender expression. I was stunned, I was so happy!

I guess it helps that one of our vice presidents is openly homosexual. In fact, they retired recently, and their partner attended the party and was introduced to everyone present (some 250 people) as the VP's partner. I also know of others in management who are openly gender-variant.

I've long felt that, if there ever were a time when I felt like I wanted or needed to come out at work, it would be fairly safe to do so. My immediate supervisor is such an awesome person, and she's really open-minded, so I'd feel safe coming out to her. And now I know the people in upper management at least have it on their radar that there are non-binary people in the company.

Anywho...that's my amazing news from my employer! Talk to you again soon.

Names

I've been meaning to write about this for a while, I just keep staying up too late at night to write it.

Names have always been something I give a lot of importance to. A name is not just what a person is called, but it's a summary of who they are. If I say "Michael Jackson" or "Mahatma Gandhi," it brings to mind everything that person did, everything they stood for, and everything that made them who they were.

When I began my androgyne journey, the idea of having a new name occurred to me fairly early on. I was following a number of bigender and transgender people on YouTube, and all of them had adopted names that fit who they really were.

I have a fairly gender-neutral first name, but I can't stand being called by it. I've always gone by my first and middle names put together, which makes a very feminine name. But I wanted to have a name to reflect the person I'm becoming. I pored over several websites of gender-neutral baby names and came up with a few I kind of liked: Skye, Skylar, and Dakota were my favorites. But the one that jumped out at me was Hadley. It's an Old English name meaning "from the heath-covered meadow." It's not very common, at least not as a first name, which really appealed to me (I've always liked being a little bit different from the crowd).

So...Hadley it is. I'm only using it online for now, to see what I think of it. I've started a new Facebook page (ugh, Facebook! But the whole world seems to be on it) using my new name, and I'll find other places to start using it, too.

If you'd like, you can look me up on Twitter, here is my page.

All for now. I'll be back soon with good news from my employer.

Where've I been??

I seem to be on a publishing schedule, even if it's not on purpose. Seems like I'm posting a couple of times early each month, then disappearing for a couple of weeks.

So where have I been? My journey seems to have stalled, or else I've reached a point where I'm happy with where I am, or maybe it's just not my top priority right now. Methinks it's some of each of the latter two.

I do have a lot else going on right now. My son's schoolwork load is getting bigger, so it takes more time to help him keep up. Work is a little bit crazy - we're kind of behind right now, and one member of my small team is moving to another division at the end of the week. Plus, I'm going through what, earlier in my life, might have been a bout of depression. Thankfully, I don't have an issue with depression anymore, but I do have times when I'm a bit lethargic and apathetic for a week or two, and I don't do anything except what absolutely HAS to be done. Plus, a friend just got me hooked on Minecraft...erm, yeah, got stuff going on. *laughs*

On the upside, I have not experienced that maddening urge to dress up all girly this month. Quite the contrary: I'd love to order several plain T-shirts and button-down shirts, get a few new pairs of trousers, and start dressing more like a man. Just as well I never ordered those dresses, I saved myself a chunk of change on something that I would probably have only worn once.

Guess that's it for now. A quick hello to Page - thanks for stopping by! I've been following her blog for a while now. You can find it here.

Questioning

I wonder if this is something that all gender-variant people experience: questioning who they really are and where they truly lie on the gender spectrum.

In my last post, I talked about having a "girl mode" where I'm more feminine than...well, what has kind of become my new normal, and how this has been a new thing in the last couple of months.

I'm not sure if I just don't have the rhythm down in my head yet, or if it really has begun taking longer to push through it, but it seems that this month, my girl mode has stuck around longer than before. It used to last a day, maybe two at the most. Now, it seems to linger for at least a week.

What's different when I'm in girl mode? Okay, I guess I'm not really that different than any other time. But I've been looking for some new work clothes online, and what's been drawing me more than anything else is the pretty spring dresses. I still have that mad craving to dress up in a pretty dress, put on my wedge sandals and some nylons, do something fun with my hair, put on makeup and nail polish...in other words, get all dolled up. I don't have any special plan for what to *do* once I'm all pretty, I just want to be all pretty and feminine, just once.

Maybe that's the key: "just once." Maybe once I've done it, the craving will go away and I'll be left with some pretty spring dresses collecting dust in the back of the closet.

But this whole thing has me wondering if I'm *trying* to be an androgyne in the first place. Maybe I'm really all girl, and in order to be what I really am, I had to stop trying to be whatever it was I was trying to be before. Maybe this is all because my "guy side" knows that I'll probably never get to date a pretty woman, so it's trying to turn *me* into the pretty woman I'd like to date. Maybe I should find a new definition of what I am: genderfluid? genderqueer?

I like "genderfluid." It leaves a lot of room for me to define myself - as undefinable, go figure! - and doesn't try to put me in any kind of box. I know, "androgyne" really doesn't either, but to me it still has connotations. To me, "androgyne" means that the person between genders, equal parts male and female. I don't often experience that true in-between. Most of the time, I present as wholly female with some male tendencies. It may be mostly because long, elastic-waist skirts are far more comfortable than jeans, but whatever the reason, I wear those skirts every day - even on the weekends. Then again, I don't wear makeup, and I've stopped shaving my legs....

I don't know. I'm all confused. I hope it settles itself out in my head soon, because it's starting to drive me nuts.

Modes

I'm not really close with any androgyne communities around the web, but I'm following a few bigender and trans people on YouTube and Twitter. Several of the people I follow talk about female mode and male mode and have talked about what it's like to be in one or the other, or what it's like when to shift from one to the other. As someone who's not one or the other but some of both, I didn't really have modes. At least, not until recently.

The last couple of months, right at about the same time in my monthly cycle, I've found myself in what I've come to call "ultra female mode." Last month it was particularly strong. For two weeks, I desperately wanted to dress up in a pretty flowered dress, nylons, and wedges; put on makeup and nail polish; and fix up my hair somehow really nice. Normally, the only time I'll wear a dress is for a formal family event, and even then, I rarely wear makeup and NEVER wear nail polish. So...that craving was strange to me, and rather annoying.

This month, my ultra female mode wasn't quite so extreme. But it hit me when I was shopping for clothes online. I need clothes for work, and plain colored T-shirts, button-down shirts, and sweaters are fine for what I do. But I found myself drawn to the much more feminine items. I even went through the dress section *twice* and put a couple of items in my shopping bag (all the while being annoyed with myself for not having started the dresses I bought patterns and fabric for a few months ago).

I'm grateful that this "all girl" thing doesn't last long because, truth be told, it drives me batty. I tried for so long to be what my mother and others wanted me to be, which wasn't who I was, but NOT being who they wanted me to be was "bad." I'm finally past that, finally to the point of "it's okay to be who I really am," and that ultra female mode takes me back to the years of trying to make the people around me happy at my own expense. Maybe indulging that dress/makeup/nail polish craving *just once* will make it go away for good...I should try that. If I do, I'll let you know what happens.

Spring Fever

Spring is on its way, and I always get a surge of energy and motivation at this time of year. This year is no different.

What *is* different this year is how much of my old "baggage" I've cleared out of my life, both physically and mentally. I've cleared out a LOT of old stuff out of my closets and cabinets, and along with them, the negative energies attached to them from my difficult childhood. This has freed me mentally to be more of the person I really am, instead of being who I think the people around me want me to be. I even finally have the relationships with my parents that I want to have (in other words, I don't have much contact with either of them).

With all of this positive change, though, has come a lot of frustration. For all of the work I've done so far to clear out my apartment and my life, I have a lot left to do. Some of it is everyday stuff that just builds up (I'm not a very good housekeeper). But some of it is bigger stuff, special projects, or tasks that have been piling up for so long that they seem nearly impossible at this point. Eh, one thing at a time, I suppose...and at least I'm starting to take these projects on.

So for now, I'm bubbling over with enthusiasm for tackling the projects, both big and small, and as each one gets done, more of my life will be organized and purged of old, unnecessary stuff, leaving space for me to be the "real me" that I've been discovering over the last year.

I have SO much more that I could say, but I'll post again soon with some other specific topics. All for now, talk to you again soon!

Blogging about blogging

At the end of my lunch break today, I wrote about my break in a fair amount of detail. It had been a frustrating one, between not finding anything good to eat to not being able to find somewhere quiet to sit, and all the while being grumpy because I was hungry and also, it's *that* time of month.  I had intended to post it on my blog. But I didn't, because that wasn't all there was to the day, and most of the day was much better.

I know my posts are becoming longer. I feel like they're flowing more naturally from mind to keyboard. I hope they're not becoming boring! As I clean out the clutter from my apartment - and by extension, from my mind - I'm finding more to write about.

I used to use writing as a form of therapy when I was in my teens. Those were troubled years for me, and I felt like I had no one to talk to except my pen and paper. I guess I'm kind of doing the same thing here, with my blog. It's a way of working through what's going on in my head. I wouldn't consider myself troubled now; in fact, I'm quite happy with how my life has turned out, and as I work through my gender identity issues/questions, it just keeps getting better.

I've also become more of a reader than I have been in the last...well, number of years, and I've subscribed to a number of blogs through Google Reader. The topics vary from gender transitions, to photography, to Second Life fashion, to minimalism. I do enjoy keeping up on what others are doing and writing about, it was just such a chore until I figured out how to use Reader. Now I get all my new reading on one page, love it!

Sorry if this post doesn't make a lot of sense, it's past midnight and I need to get some sleep. Talk to you again soon!

Minimalism

Minimalism: More happiness with less stuff.

I couldn't really say when I started taking an interest in this lifestyle/mindset, but that short, simple definition of minimalism has proven to be so very true for me.

I think it started when we got an IKEA close to where I live. I remember my first visit there, and being enchanted with the simple lines of much of their furniture. From there...I really don't know how it took off from there, but the idea of happiness in simplicity really resounded with me.

Its first real appearance in my life came when I decided to remove my pierced earrings. To me, it was a way of simplifying my body - removing one thing I had to worry about. The idea spread like wildfire from there: next, to my closet, purging it of clothing I was never going to wear again. It has kept spreading - books, papers, DVDs, trinkets...you name it, I've gone through it and cleaned out what I don't use or love.

So what does this have to do with who I am, as a person and as an androgyne? Well, I did not have what I would call a "happy childhood." It was full of a lot of stress, frustration, hurt, and resentment. And a lot of the stuff I've been clinging to, stowed away in boxes in the backs of closets and shelves, represents or reminds me of those unhappy years.

I kept it for lots of reasons: a memory of a special person, not wanting to dishonor a gift given to me, or just because it had been around for ages and the thought of letting it go never crossed my mind. But these objects carry with them some of the negative energy of my life from the time I obtained them. All that energy has been sitting around my home, dragging me down and holding me back from being *me*.

Getting rid of the objects, and the energy attached to them, has been incredibly liberating. I've been feeling the "me" that I haven't been in years starting to come back. The tailor. The outdoorsperson. The reader. The writer. This will probably sound weird, but...I've missed myself. I've missed my creative side. I've missed being able to write freely instead of living with permanent writer's block. I've missed being happy to spend an afternoon constructing a piece of clothing. I've even found a part of me that I didn't know was there...who knew I actually *liked* keeping my apartment clean and tidy??

So as I sit curled up on the sofa, typing on my laptop with a cup of tea next to me (how many times have I dreamed of doing this without actually do it?), gazing at my second Subaru-Outback's-worth of stuff ready to head out the door, I am happier and more at peace than I have been in a long time.

If anyone is interested in the minimalist mindset of more happiness with less stuff, I recommend reading The Joy of Less, A Minimalist Living Guide by Francine Jay. The tone is casual, not preachy, overly intellectual, or bossy...like a conversation with a friend.

My posts are getting longer and longer, hope I'm not losing people! Thanks for sticking with me to the end of my ramblings. Talk to you again soon!

Clothes - figuring it out

I've been miserable with my wardrobe for a long, long time. I don't like shopping in the first place. I HATE going to the mall. And to complicate matters, I'm a member of what a friend calls "the plus-size sisterhood." This makes finding clothes that match my taste even harder, because a lot of plus-size clothes either have a lot of "foo-foo" like ruffles, lace, gathers, and that kind of nonsense, or they have big, bright, gad-awful floral prints. Ew, no thank you!!

In the past, I have remedied this problem by making my own clothes. It's much easier to find nice stuff for someone my size in a pattern book than it is on a clothing rack. So I have a number of basic patterns for button-down tops, knit tops, skirts, trousers, and accessories. I like sewing, but over the last several years, other things have demanded too much of my time.

I've reached the point where I have about eight outfits I can wear to work. Three of them are almost exactly the same: white button-up shirt over a tank top and a long, full, black skirt. The rest are knit tops, all the same style in a few different colors, with the same black skirt. Getting dressed in the morning has become depressing.

I love folding my son's laundry, because he has a whole bunch of wonderful thermal-knit shirts and double-sleeve shirts that I just adore. I've desperately wished I could find shirts like that for myself. But there are only a couple of places in town that sell clothing my size, and it's mostly that awful, flower-printed, frilly stuff.

A couple of days ago, on a lark, I decided to do a Google search for "plus size clothes." On the list of sites was OneStopPlus.com which has clothes from several retailers all on one site. The best part of it was, there was *very little* of the flowery/frilly stuff I was seeing at the mall. And, the prices were good. I was such a happy camper!!

As I was browsing, though, I looked longingly at boyish knit tops with sleeves that were a different color from the body of the shirt, and oversize button-down "boyfriend" shirts, and wishing I had something to wear with them. Then it hit me: I used to have a long, straight denim skirt that I made...that style of skirt would be *perfect* with these tops! (I'm not allowed to wear jeans to work - I find them uncomfortable anyway - that's why I'm thinking skirt instead of jeans.)

So, off to the fabric store I went that afternoon to pick up some fabric for a denim skirt. Now my mind is whirling with ideas for what I can do with the other patterns in my collection. I have a pattern for a plain knit top which I could use to make a two-tone shirt or even a double-sleeve shirt. I have a couple of tunic patterns for making oversize t-shirts. I imagine I could even find a pattern for a big, loose boyfriend shirt. And for times when I'm feeling more feminine, I have several nice dress patterns.

Who knew that what started as a hobby making doll clothes would turn into the answer to my bigender wardrobe problems?  ^-^