Modes

I'm not really close with any androgyne communities around the web, but I'm following a few bigender and trans people on YouTube and Twitter. Several of the people I follow talk about female mode and male mode and have talked about what it's like to be in one or the other, or what it's like when to shift from one to the other. As someone who's not one or the other but some of both, I didn't really have modes. At least, not until recently.

The last couple of months, right at about the same time in my monthly cycle, I've found myself in what I've come to call "ultra female mode." Last month it was particularly strong. For two weeks, I desperately wanted to dress up in a pretty flowered dress, nylons, and wedges; put on makeup and nail polish; and fix up my hair somehow really nice. Normally, the only time I'll wear a dress is for a formal family event, and even then, I rarely wear makeup and NEVER wear nail polish. So...that craving was strange to me, and rather annoying.

This month, my ultra female mode wasn't quite so extreme. But it hit me when I was shopping for clothes online. I need clothes for work, and plain colored T-shirts, button-down shirts, and sweaters are fine for what I do. But I found myself drawn to the much more feminine items. I even went through the dress section *twice* and put a couple of items in my shopping bag (all the while being annoyed with myself for not having started the dresses I bought patterns and fabric for a few months ago).

I'm grateful that this "all girl" thing doesn't last long because, truth be told, it drives me batty. I tried for so long to be what my mother and others wanted me to be, which wasn't who I was, but NOT being who they wanted me to be was "bad." I'm finally past that, finally to the point of "it's okay to be who I really am," and that ultra female mode takes me back to the years of trying to make the people around me happy at my own expense. Maybe indulging that dress/makeup/nail polish craving *just once* will make it go away for good...I should try that. If I do, I'll let you know what happens.