This week's question on OutLateButGreat has to do with coming out:
1. Were there people who accepted you who you "knew" wouldn't? Why do you think that was so?
2. Were there people who didn't accept you who you thought would have no problem? Why do you think THAT was so.
3. Were women or men more accepting, or was it roughly the same mix?
I'm afraid I don't have much to add to this discussion. I am largely still in the closet. I've come out to some people on YouTube and on bigender.net, as well as whoever has read this blog (going by the traffic counts, that's not many *smiles*), and a few people on Second Life know that I'm bigender. But as far as coming out to the people around me offline, it hasn't happened.
I come from a small family - just my parents, my brother, and me. Everyone in my family has very definite ideas about how things should be, with varying degrees of being okay with it when something doesn't fit their ideals. I've always been the black sheep, the one who went against Mom and Dad's expectations. I've caused them enough trouble (and brought enough trouble on myself because of it) and I don't want to do it again unless there's a really solid reason.
My son has been the trickiest. I've been teaching him bit by bit about the gender spectrum by talking about some of the people I follow on YouTube. He understands what MTF and FTM mean, what an androgyne is, what the difference is between gender and sex (I used the analogy of computer hardware being physical sex and operating systems being gender - not perfect, but he understands it because he's into computers. I should try SydneyTinker's pencil example instead, much more accurate). So he understands that androgyny and the gender spectrum are topics of interest to me. But I haven't told him the real reason why. Again, I haven't felt like there's been a reason to do so. And as he approaches the point in his life when he'll be figuring out his own sexuality, he'll have enough to work through without me adding my stuff to the mix.
So-o-o...in the closet I remain. It really doesn't interfere with my life. I don't feel like I'm hiding anything from my family. I'm just me, with my long hippy skirts and my Birks and my video games and my no makeup and my backpack instead of a purse. My family lets me be myself, and I really couldn't ask for more than that.
One of these days, I'll come out of my shell and post a vlog entry. I've always been a better writer than speaker, but I'm finally getting it that I don't have to be perfectly articulate to be a good vlogger. My YouTube channel is StarchildMagic (surprise surprise! haha). Until then, keep in touch here!
Sunday, July 24, 2011
Thursday, July 7, 2011
Gender dysphoria
I recently stumbled upon a video on YouTube by BigenderDragon asking about gender dysphoria. The question is: To what degree do/did you suffer from gender dysphoria, and what did you do to deal with it?
So far, I've done almost all of my gender identity exploring through the virtual world of Second Life. In Second Life, users create an avatar to represent themselves, and that avatar can be anything they want it to be.
I joined Second Life (SL) almost four years ago, and my first avatar was female, modeled after my real-life self. About six months after I created my first avatar, I got to wondering what it would be like to play as a male. So I created my first male avatar, and used both equally. It was when I first began using that male avatar that my gender dysphoria kicked in.
At first, it wasn't a big issue. I had days when I wanted to be female and days I wanted to be male, but it didn't really affect my life outside of SL. But the more I used my male avatar, the more I wanted to use him. Two years ago, I was using him exclusively. That was the point at which my dysphoria began affecting life outside of SL. I came to dislike - even hate - my own body. I began thinking of myself as a sissy if I cried. I was frequently angry, even to the point of wanting to hit someone or something.
Finally, I changed avatars again, this time to a new female (Starchild, for whom my blog account is named). It helped reduce the frustration and anger I was experiencing, and I deleted the male avatar. But that experience led me to start researching gender. I thought maybe I was meant to be a man - in spite of its negative effect on my life, playing a male felt very natural. But there are things about being female that I like, too, and I'm not willing to give up. I finally found the term "androgyne" and realized it fit perfectly.
Once I began using "androgyne" to describe myself, my dysphoria nearly vanished. My avatar is an androgyne, too: she has a feminine appearance, but her body is more like a man's (narrow hips and almost no breasts). I do have a new male avatar that I use from time to time, when I'm feeling more like a man, but the times I use him are becoming fewer and farther between. I can fairly say now that I'm not experiencing gender dysphoria anymore.
That seems like such an abrupt ending to the story, but that's where I am now. I'll keep writing as time goes on and as new experiences and/or issues come up. I'd love to hear feedback from anyone who's reading this, whether it's comments, questions, stories of your own.
So far, I've done almost all of my gender identity exploring through the virtual world of Second Life. In Second Life, users create an avatar to represent themselves, and that avatar can be anything they want it to be.
I joined Second Life (SL) almost four years ago, and my first avatar was female, modeled after my real-life self. About six months after I created my first avatar, I got to wondering what it would be like to play as a male. So I created my first male avatar, and used both equally. It was when I first began using that male avatar that my gender dysphoria kicked in.
At first, it wasn't a big issue. I had days when I wanted to be female and days I wanted to be male, but it didn't really affect my life outside of SL. But the more I used my male avatar, the more I wanted to use him. Two years ago, I was using him exclusively. That was the point at which my dysphoria began affecting life outside of SL. I came to dislike - even hate - my own body. I began thinking of myself as a sissy if I cried. I was frequently angry, even to the point of wanting to hit someone or something.
Finally, I changed avatars again, this time to a new female (Starchild, for whom my blog account is named). It helped reduce the frustration and anger I was experiencing, and I deleted the male avatar. But that experience led me to start researching gender. I thought maybe I was meant to be a man - in spite of its negative effect on my life, playing a male felt very natural. But there are things about being female that I like, too, and I'm not willing to give up. I finally found the term "androgyne" and realized it fit perfectly.
Once I began using "androgyne" to describe myself, my dysphoria nearly vanished. My avatar is an androgyne, too: she has a feminine appearance, but her body is more like a man's (narrow hips and almost no breasts). I do have a new male avatar that I use from time to time, when I'm feeling more like a man, but the times I use him are becoming fewer and farther between. I can fairly say now that I'm not experiencing gender dysphoria anymore.
That seems like such an abrupt ending to the story, but that's where I am now. I'll keep writing as time goes on and as new experiences and/or issues come up. I'd love to hear feedback from anyone who's reading this, whether it's comments, questions, stories of your own.
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