Gender dysphoria

I recently stumbled upon a video on YouTube by BigenderDragon asking about gender dysphoria. The question is: To what degree do/did you suffer from gender dysphoria, and what did you do to deal with it?

So far, I've done almost all of my gender identity exploring through the virtual world of Second Life. In Second Life, users create an avatar to represent themselves, and that avatar can be anything they want it to be.

I joined Second Life (SL) almost four years ago, and my first avatar was female, modeled after my real-life self. About six months after I created my first avatar, I got to wondering what it would be like to play as a male. So I created my first male avatar, and used both equally. It was when I first began using that male avatar that my gender dysphoria kicked in.

At first, it wasn't a big issue. I had days when I wanted to be female and days I wanted to be male, but it didn't really affect my life outside of SL. But the more I used my male avatar, the more I wanted to use him. Two years ago, I was using him exclusively. That was the point at which my dysphoria began affecting life outside of SL. I came to dislike - even hate - my own body. I began thinking of myself as a sissy if I cried. I was frequently angry, even to the point of wanting to hit someone or something.

Finally, I changed avatars again, this time to a new female (Starchild, for whom my blog account is named). It helped reduce the frustration and anger I was experiencing, and I deleted the male avatar. But that experience led me to start researching gender. I thought maybe I was meant to be a man - in spite of its negative effect on my life, playing a male felt very natural. But there are things about being female that I like, too, and I'm not willing to give up. I finally found the term "androgyne" and realized it fit perfectly.

Once I began using "androgyne" to describe myself, my dysphoria nearly vanished. My avatar is an androgyne, too: she has a feminine appearance, but her body is more like a man's (narrow hips and almost no breasts). I do have a new male avatar that I use from time to time, when I'm feeling more like a man, but the times I use him are becoming fewer and farther between. I can fairly say now that I'm not experiencing gender dysphoria anymore.

That seems like such an abrupt ending to the story, but that's where I am now. I'll keep writing as time goes on and as new experiences and/or issues come up. I'd love to hear feedback from anyone who's reading this, whether it's comments, questions, stories of your own.