Kind of struggling to figure out where to start to talk about what's currently going through my head gender-wise. I've been feeling frustrated over how my presentation didn't seem to match how I felt inside. I've been driving myself crazy over how I've gone back to wearing skirts every day, after having begun wearing trousers or jeans more often. Plus, I'm still frustrated over not being able to give a name to my identity. I'm not trying to force myself to fit a label - I'm trying to find a label that fits who I am.
A few days ago, Paige from I Bigender posted her first video blog. The topic was "Should I Transition?" and her answer was a clear and resounding, 'Yes! Do it now!" That got me thinking, why am I not opening up about my gender journey?
But that took me right back to, "But what does transitioning look like for me?" Like I've said before, there's a lot about me that isn't what society would consider feminine. I still dress very feminine most of the time - I still prefer long skirts over trousers because they're easier to wear and more comfortable. But for the most part, I'm not really a girly girl.
Today, I looked up "androgyny" on YouTube, to see what it looks like to other people who identify as androgynous. I found a couple of videos which were interesting, but not especially helpful to me. But "androgyny" led to "genderless," which led to "genderqueer," and "gender fluid," and now I was finding videos that really spoke to me. I'll post links at the end of this entry.
The last video I watched was by TheSLOfox, and it's entitled "Genderfluid + Self-acceptance vs. self-improvement." In it, she talks about accepting herself for who she is, instead of trying to make herself something she's not.
That really hit home for me and made me realize: maybe I've been trying to turn myself into something I think I should be, instead of letting myself be who I am. Maybe the transition that I've been desperately trying to define, has already happened. Maybe what I am is "genderless, sometimes presenting as male, sometimes presenting as female." Maybe, just maybe, the transition came before I realized I was transitioning, or even before I knew I wanted to transition.
Anyway, I have to let this new idea rattle around in my head for a while. If I don't post again before the end of the year, I hope everyone has a safe and wonderful holiday season!
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Videos that I found helpful:
I Bigender Vid Blog 1 - Should I transition? by jargoabendroth
I'm Genderqueer/Genderfluid/Androgynous! by WyldFire777
Genderless by queerbtw
GQC - Advice for new Genderqueer's by GenderqueerChat
"Genderfluid" + Self-acceptance vs. self-improvement by TheSLOfox
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